Come join me in being pitiful!
My right hip has been all achy for days. Clearly, I have bone cancer.
Yesterday, I stepped on a loose stone funny and fell and skinned my knee. I will soon have gangrene and need my leg amputated. Also, hydrogen peroxide is sting-y.
I'm unusually tired and sleepy lately (I didn't wake up until noon today. Not, I slummed in my bed until noon. I DID NOT WAKE UP until noon.) Clearly, the bone cancer is killing me. It's probably already metastasized to my bone marrow and blood and I'll be dead soon.
My great-aunt was a paranoid schizophrenic with hypochondria. Since the above proves me a hypochondriac, the schizophrenia can't be far behind. (That's some meta-hypochondria-ing right there. I think I deserve a gold star.)