I’m still trying to work my way through my friend’s suicide while I keep up with classes. I’m pretty freaked out that I’m going to fuck this semester up. I think a lot of it is just fear that’s not entirely rational, but I’ve got a pit in my stomach the size of a Texas grapefruit. :/

My resources are tapped. It’s a real victory for me to eat three meals a day and sleep a normal amount. I took 3 days off after my friend died. It was necessary for my mental health. I communicated with all of my professors as much as I could. I’m just feeling so frustrated because I have a huge perfectionist streak and I’m upset that I can’t focus the way I want to. I woke up crying this morning after a night full of nightmares and I’ve been an anxious wreck since. I have therapy on thursday, but I’m seeing the survivor advocate here in an hour because I am desperate for someone to talk to.

Now, I have a group project due on Wednesday. My group has been completely unresponsive until today. I have tried so many times to get them to nail down a time to work on this together. It was assigned a month ago. Nobody will commit to a time, we tried on two separate occasions and everybody flaked out the day off. I even told them exactly what I’ve been trying to juggle- “hey my friend just died, I am blindsided, I am doing what I can to work on my portion of this but I cannot set everything up for you” and nothing. I put up a google doc so people can post their work- it’s empty aside from my notes. It’s due in two days and by all account we won’t even meet in person before we present. I am pissed. I emailed my professor to discuss it in office hours with her because i just can’t. I have enough on my plate. I can’t take a hit on my grade because of everyone else’s total refusal to communicate.

I am trying my best to make peace with the fact that I won’t have A+ amazing stellar work in every course. I may make B’s this semester. I am trying so hard to be okay with that because there is only so much I can do.

tl,dr: grief is monopolizing my energy. I am physically sick and drained and trying to make it through one of my last semesters of college, but I am terrified I am fucking everything up. Also, I can’t drop anything or I lose my financial aid.