The winter blues feel like they’re hitting me a little harder this year than in years past. It may have something to do with all of the heavy/heartbreaking news stories lately and the fact that this school semester feels like it chewed me up and spat me out...but I think a lot of it has to do with my decision to step back from my family and some toxic friendships. I’ve been trying to make some new connections, but it’s difficult, because I’m moving in a few weeks. I’m in a really awkward transitional place.
The last few years around the holidays, I have spent time with my friend Aaron and his family, but Aaron has kind of hit the skids lately and has descended into some pretty heavy drinking and general unhealthiness. He got “fired” in a sense, from a volunteer job at the nonprofit where we met, for misconduct and he’s sort of been in a tailspin ever since. I’ve reached out to him and made it clear that I love and support him, but it ultimately has come down to me needing to put some space there so I make sure I don’t get sucked in to his spiral (which is something I tend to be prone to.)
Honestly, that’s been the theme of my relationships for the past year. I have let go of and distanced myself from some toxic people, a few of which took up the majority of my socializing time but who also consistently drained me emotionally and mistreated me. I have also taken a hardline stance against spending any time around my aunt, who is crazy abusive and manipulative, but doing so has meant that I don’t see my cousins as much, who I do care for deeply and want to be connected to. I have made some efforts to get all of us kids together outside of the normal family functions so I can keep up my relationships with them while still insulating myself from drama and pain, but it’s hard to get all of us in one place at the same time.
Anyway. I am done with my job now, which is great because I’ll have an honest to god break over Christmas, and can work on packing up my place and preparing to move on my own time, as well as having plenty of time to devote to studying for finals, but...I’m really, really lonely. I’m only in class around other people for maximum six hours a week (one of my classes is online) and I’m trying to be frugal with my funds since I’m out of work now, which means not going out for dinner, coffee, etc when I want to socialize. I can keep myself busy with packing, working out, and studying, but it doesn’t fill me up emotionally/spiritually to have that much time to myself. I know a lot of people really love living alone, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m too extroverted for it. I get quite sad when I don’t have anyone around to talk to for more than half a day or so.
TL,DR: I am lonely, part of it is my own doing for overall healthy reasons to step back from bad relationships, also I’m in a weird transitional spot.