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I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I depressed? Is my anxiety greater than I thought it was? Am I just lazy?

I haven't been to work in three weeks (I work on my own schedule as a research assistant) even though I need to get paid this month. I keep telling myself that I'm going to catch up on hours, but now I've run out of time to catch up, so I'm going to get a very small paycheque this month.

And then, I have a marking job that I've put off until the very last minute, and now my anxiety is about to make my head explode. It's 9pm, and I have to mark fifteen papers by tomorrow morning. It's going to be a late night, which means that I probably won't be very productive tomorrow.

I've just been procrastinating, doing almost nothing, spending most of my time sitting in bed fiddling around on the internet. And because I'm not doing enough work, I feel like I can't afford to go to the gym or do fun things, so I don't, but then I don't do work anyway, and not exercising makes me feel shitty, and it's just a big ol' spiral of anxiety.

Why can't I just go to work? Why can't I just get things done? If I did, my life would be pretty damn awesome, even if the future is uncertain in terms of my job and where I live, and even if I will be alone forever. I could handle that stuff if I could just do the things I need and want to do currently.

Bloody Hell.


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