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Seriously, Fuck Birds

Illustration for article titled Seriously, Fuck Birds

I think my fear of birds has been documented here a few times.

I HATE THEM. I have a rather irrational fear of many birds I will never encounter, and a silly fear of the birds I do encounter. It started off with geese and ducks, and then swans. I would rather have a tarantula in my shoe than a dove in the room. Seagulls back home are easily as large as turkeys, and don't even get me started on turkeys. There's an attack turkey living in one of the nearby metro parks.


Fuck birds.

I'm sitting here in my office, and Big Stupid Dog starts barking. Like, angry barking. Add in some nasty growling, and I take notice. This dog is so mellow that the vet has asked Roomie if he gets into pot (nope). So then PollyDog runs out for backup. I figure he saw someone walking down the street, as he sits at the top of the stairs and gazes out the front door window.


Then I heard someone on the roof...what the fuck? Roomie had just left for work, and didn't tell me anyone was coming over to do work. PollyDude isn't around. Why is there walking on my roof?

I peek out the peephole, and there's nothing. I open the door, and look around. No unusual cars, no work vans, OH HOLY GOD CROWS. There was a murder of crows on my roof. About a dozen flew into neighbors yards, cawing, and then they all flew off. Easily three dozen CROWS. I've never seen that many crows together. MORE CROWS THAN THE NIGHTS WATCH.


Seriously, I was like "where's the White Walker," because it was like the crows from that scene with Sam.

Then my brain was like "so, it's cool you're not superstitious and all, but CROWS MEAN YOU DIE," and now I'm getting all insane upset.


Can you commisserate in the bird-fear? Do you have anything that you're generally really rational about, and then BAM irrational superstition? Do you have fears of everyday things that make you seem like a total loon (OMG ANOTHER BIRD) when they're apparent?

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