Eta: kinja sucked and i had to go to work. Thabks so much, i really appreciate the advice, and i'll get back when i go on break. Also, phone typing sucks.
So, the background. I fell hard and fast for Mr. Martini, which was fairly shocking to me because he's the first empenised person I've ever been attracted to.
Fast forward a decade, a war zone, and two children. The Mr. Martini I fell for has been gone since Fallujah, and it's been five years since New Guy showed up in Mr. Martini's body. And I am getting itchy. I don't enjoy my marriage, I don't enjoy the sex, and I don't know what to do. He treats me as well as he can; that is to say he helps around the house and works part-time and helps with the kids. He is never mean, never takes his considerable anger out on me or the kids. That's more than a lot of women get. But he also can't stand to deal with any details, like remembering that it's Tuesday and the trash needs to go to the road. He says hearing about my day is too stressful for him. I have to tell him when to shower or brush his teeth. I see that he is working as hard as he can to get through this; it's not like he's being obstinate or lazy. It's just really a huge thing to process and my patience ran out before his angst did. On the other hand, I've been living what is essentially a great front for half a decade. I am proud of myself for lasting this long.
How long do I have to be understanding of this war zone thing before I'm allowed to get laid again, and maybe feel like I'm a real live person instead of a home health care nurse? Given that he'd be understanding but self-loathing and probably take giant steps backwards in his recovery, do I take the caregiver role and not tell him, or since I'm supposedly in a relationship with him is it a thing I have to say? Or since the relationship mostly consists of me being his mom and occasionally letting him get laid as a best-friend solid, does it even count as a relationship anymore?