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Sex-Starved Husbands and "Wifely Duties"

Can we talk about the article ripped from Reddit, currently on The Concourse, that's making the Kinja rounds?


On Reddit, the wife says the following:

Our sex life HAS tapered in the last few months, but isn't that allowed? We are adults leading busy, stressful lives. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I keep our house clean and tidy. It's not like our sex life was going to be this way FOREVER, it was a temporary slow-down due to extenuating circumstances.

This was largely (Edit: Fellowology says otherwise) met on Reddit with helpful comments like:

[–]yogapantsareforever 185 points 1 day ago

OP, your husband doesn't give a shit about the house being clean or tidy. He'd rather get a blowjob.



[–]generousheart 35 points 1 day ago

I think you should spend some time reading the posts from the depressed, frustrated men in /r/deadbedrooms.

It sounds like your sex drive died when you started to feel ugly. But the constant rejection is going to inflict your husband with the same feeling.


Won't someone think of the poor, poor men?!

It's been similarly received over at sister site, Deadspin.

The Queen

I don't understand the "I'm too tired for sex". If you are a lady, all you need to do is lie there if you are that exhausted.


Who wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't ever want to have sex? No one.

Dude needs to look at his own spreadsheet and drop the luggage.


There are a number of reasons this whole situation irritates the fuck out of me. First, she's explicit that her workload has "doubled," that she does the vast majority if not all of the household duties, that they've recently purchased a home they're renovating themselves, and that this decrease in their sex life is a new and unusual phenomenon. Not even considering how childish it was of him to "communicate" in the manner that he did, he has exactly 0 legitimate reasons to complain. Women/people who are exhausted have less of a sex drive. Women/people who are exhausted have less energy for sex. Women/people who do all of the fucking work may be less interested in servicing your genitals on demand and just might feel the tiniest bit of resentment.


Sociological studies show that women in more egalitarian marriages have greater marital satisfaction, and that men aren't less happy when they pull their weight. It seems obvious, therefore, that equality serves married couples.


Now to the obnoxious, tired, cliched responses of men at Reddit and Deadspin alike. Why do women find your comments irritating? Because the notion that husbands are entitled to sex is dehumanizing and reflective of dangerous, outdated notions, such as the idea that a married woman cannot be raped because her husband owns her sexuality. While marital rape is outlawed in the United States, we're not entirely free from the bullshit of husband entitlement. A little Googling led me to a rank piece of nonsense from the rotting old white men at Focus on the Family, which includes helpful chapters such as "Your Husband's Sex Drive is God's Gift to You." I love the logic puzzle of this:

1. You're a whore if you have sex (also a common theme among Red Pillers, not just the religiously insane)


2. No you may not have contraception even if you're married, because you're a whore

3. You're a bad wife if you do not have sex on command

4. ?

5. Profit

In its not-defense, Focus on the Family also provides literature called, "When Your Husband isn't Interested in Sex." This explains to female almost-people that age and illness make penises sad, and that perhaps their husbands are looking at pornography which is NOT OKAY. Meanwhile, the piece on why you need to keep your legs permanently open to your husband is all about how sexuality is a physical and emotional necessity. That these two pieces are in conflict escapes Focus on the Family's attention. They more or less fail at focusing.


Another reason for the irritation is how tired and inaccurate the stereotype of the "frigid bitchy wife" is. Back to egalitarianism, it's more likely your "frigid bitch of a wife" is exhausted from parenting you. It's more likely there are genuine intimacy/relationship issues and that communicating is a better tactic than shoving your boner at her. And most importantly, is sexual dissatisfaction rampant among married men? Is this a real phenomenon? How about some data from an actual study?

Wives and husbands report relatively high marital satisfaction, with 77% of wives and 82% of husbands coded as maritally satisfied. Husbands are significantly more likely than wives to report high marital satisfaction (p < .01).


Okay so, at least according to this study, husbands are generally happy and significantly more likely to report as such than wives.

Generally, both husbands and wives rate their sexual satisfaction at the mid-point or higher in each scale. Husbands are significantly more likely (p< .05) than wives to say that the couple's sex life adds a lot to the relationship and are less likely (p< .001) to report satisfaction with the frequency of sex.


So folks report being sexually satisfied, but there's a significant difference in how important sex is to the relationship and how happy husbands and wives are with frequency. Noted! However, in the actual table, this is not a *large* disparity, and the authors do not make a note of the fact that there is no significant difference in sexual satisfaction.


So, that's a thing.

What do we conclude from all of this?

1. Frigidity and sex starvation among husbands is not endemic among American marriages, at least according to any studies I could find in 1 hour of Pubmedding and Google Scholaring


2. Men do not report less sexual satisfaction overall than women in marriages (though they may be less satisfied with frequency, satisfaction in general seems to be sufficient to prevent most men from writing long screeds and passive aggressive spreadsheets)

3. Egalitarian marriages create greater satisfaction

4. No one is entitled to someone else's genitals

5. Shut the F up already


ETA: Fellowology would like me to include the full quote from Redditor yogapantsareforever, because it ends with "advice:"

[–]yogapantsareforever 192 points 1 day ago

OP, your husband doesn't give a shit about the house being clean or tidy. He'd rather get a blowjob.

If you don't believe me, go spend some time at /r/deadbedrooms

Seriously if you are being honest about being "too busy cleaning" to have sex, stop. fucking. cleaning. You are fucking up your marriage.


Fellowology likes himself some Reddit, and he thinks it's important that the most "upvoted" comments are positive and non-shitty. So, I've changed the way I characterized the Reddit page above, and I'm noting that here. I love him more than I'm irritated by the shitty comments. Priorities.

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