Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Pope Alexander read this guy's PUA fan-fic manifesto thingie so that you don't have to.

Now I have to make a confession, and I need you all to forgive me some things. I read Pope Alexander's post on it in the car, waiting at a particularly long red light. In the background, my local Top 40 Station was blasting Robin Thicke.

Pope provided this gem:

“I stiffed you on the tip because that last Guinness had a little too much head”, he says, “You’re lucky you’re cute or you wouldn’t have a job”

She looks down and notices he is only teasing. He left 20%.

“Okay”, she says, her voice is high and flinty, “Next time you can pour it yourself then.”

His smirk meets her playful smile and she has a certain look in her eyes.

He recognizes that look.

It says fuck me."

Obviously, I wasn't there or anything, but I sincerely doubt that her look said, "Fuck me." Maybe he was confused. I'm pretty sure, if I were in the situation, my face might be saying "fuck" but it would be a decided, "Fuck you." And not in the tickle-my-naughty-bits way that this guy is fantasizing about.


Around the time I was reading it, good ol' Robin Thicke was intoning, "I know you want it! (I know you want it!)" I have always wondered how Robin knows that I want it. What scientific information is this assumption of desire based upon? I've seen his video. I don't like his swagger. I don't think I want it.

The light changed, I had to put up my phone, and I had a long-assed stretch of midwestern scenery to contemplate things. I thought about my dad.

You guys know my dad. He looks a little like Wilford Brimley? He has always been into old movies. He would flip from channel to channel, sometimes watching two or three at a time, carefully balancing commercials and the most powerful scenes (which he had memorized). His favorites were Bridge Over the River Kwai and The Outlaw Josey Wales. Everyone in my family can quote them, verbatim, from any scene, to any scene, including dramatic pauses. We've seen them that many times.

The one that sprang to mind, though, was one I only remember him watching a few times. We watched Shaka Zulu one evening. I was too little to sit through the war at the end, so I sat, riveted, until I was sent to bed. To this day, I don't know how it ends for certain, though I can certainly guess. I suspect there are a number of problematic story-telling elements in the film. None of these things are really my point.

I was sitting in the car, thinking about Robin Thicke, my dad, the Golden Sperm douchebag that Pope Alexander was writing about, and Shaka Zulu.

Somewhere in the film, the king of the zulus decides he wants the one woman in the tribe who doesn't want him back. I remember thinking she was crazy, because he was obviously the star of the film.

I also remember him saying to her something to the effect of, "Your words say you do not love me, but your eyes tell another story." In essence: You know you want it.

Without missing a beat, the woman responded, "Then my eyes lie."


In the film, she eventually gave in - I think she married the king of the zulus, but I was six, so we're going to let that slide - but at that moment? She did not want it.

Hey Robin Thicke, Golden Sperm, and various other gents out there on the dating scene: Sometimes, eyes lie. Why don't you try asking the words?

Just a thought.

Illustration for article titled Shaka Zulu Takes on Robin Thicke and the Golden Sperm

Share This Story

Get our newsletter