it’s the 17th. today i go back home. this post ain’t gonna be elegant; but I feel like it’s fair to tell everyone what is happening, because the situation got more complicated since I last begged for help.
I hadn’t talked to my mom much since I went away—kept it real brief, and mostly talked to my dad—but the day after I posted this, about my mom, we had a phone call. i don’t know if she saw it ( I doubt it), but she texted me saying it was urgent and to please call her. So I did—thinking somebody might have died—and she said she’s sorry about what happened. And that if I want to do therapy with her, ok, she’s up for it.
She also says something along the lines of “and you’re all down there by yourself, brooding over it, making it bigger than it was/vilifying me.” I don’t remember the exact words, but there was TOTALLY language acting like because i’m on my own, that’s why i am mad. like everything would be hunky-dory if I was back under her fucking wing. oh yes. this is my thing, apparently. even trying to apologize, she fucks this shit up.
So she still dances around taking the blame in any way possible. But she says she wants to do therapy, and work on this. she SAYS she wants to fix it.
I’m conflicted. For me, those three nights of arguments broke the camel’s back. Ever since she called I’ve been trying to feel anything positive about this. And I don’t. Deep down inside, I still love my mom; and in the long run, I know I should embrace this possible change of heart.
But I’m still angry. I’m still extremely upset. There’s a part of me that wants to seize this newfound power to make her care with both hands and just....BE ANGRY. Tell her no, you had your chances—ten years and three nights—and we are done. I am done with you. See how well you like being rejected when you try.
It’s childish, it’s angry, and I am going to try my damnedest not to respond like that. But I don’t know how to respond instead. I’ve been trying all week, and I can’t summon any feeling of love for her, anything that makes me give a shit about rebuilding our relationship. I tried, I failed, I’m tired, and I’m done. I don’t want to spend any time with my mom or brother, or do anything with them, until they can prove to me that they are worth trusting again. And I know they would say there’s no way for them to prove anything to me if I’m not willing to help—but I’ve been trying and trying and trying to prove and help, for years, and it got me very little beyond pain, and an ability to twist words and rhetoric as I need to, and some slimy people-pleasing habits that I am trying to teach myself to drop.
All I care about is getting through the summer without going batshit insane or turning into my mother. That is all. I can’t...I can’t seem to care that she wants to try, now. I’ve been TRYING to summon the things I felt when I wrote that first post: the need for reconciliation, the hope that she can change, the love that got me through the night. But I don’t feel it now. I don’t want to see her, or speak to her, for a good long time. And that’s not an option. So......
When she didn’t dare to take responsibility, I had my plans laid out, thanks to the excellent advice everyone on here gave. I was going to investigate a therapist for myself, to get to once autumn came; I was going to try to find some volunteer work, or hobbies to keep me busy; I was going to avoid her as much as possible; I was going to keep things calm and distant. I was going to try anything that keeps me from losing my emotions, or mentally breaking down. But now it’s all flipped on its head, because—according to her—she wants to change.
I don’t believe her. I believe she believes she wants to change. But even in her apologies, she distances herself from her own hurt. And at this point, I don’t even know if her facing up to it would do any good. I’m past caring. The damage is done.
I would love to go home, now. Home as it used to be. But that home doesn’t exist—or never existed—or is all bound up like hiraeth. My mom says she wants to change, and I don’t want anything to do with her. I know I should try to reconcile, but....my heart isn’t in this. She needs to try first.
Advice, comments, whatever is appreciated. I’m not sure what I need out of this post. Just....sigh. I have no more care left to give her. And she finally wakes up.