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She's gaining so why do I still feel like shit?

So Baby Haa is a whopping 9lbs 7.5oz at ~11 weeks old. For breast fed babies that puts her right above the 3rd percentile using the breast fed baby chart. The pediatrician was happy with the gain. Almost a full pound in 1 1/2 weeks. She wants to see her again in between now and her 4 months appointment for another weight check to make sure the pattern continues. The pediatrician wants me to continue feeding her with supplemental formula. The nurse told me I could stop the fenugreek if I didn't notice a difference. That was that. I left feeling even more defeated. Yes, Baby Haa is thriving. But with formula not because of me. That realization stings. And I know it's selfish; that I should be happy no matter what. But I'm not. I'm miserable. My OB doesn't want me to try other milk stimulating herbal remedies because they can make depression worse. I'm really at a loss of what to do. I'm just so sad about how difficult this is for me. I've mentioned before but I'm kind of an overachiever and I'm used to succeeding when I really want something. I just feel so useless and am so mad at my body. In the meantime I'm having a girls night with some of my closest friends Saturday and I'll have to put on a smile and pretend like I'm okay with how I'm feeding her and probably even let them feed her a bottle. I desperately want to cancel on everyone and just hide upstairs alone while Mr. Haa takes care of Baby Haa unless I'm feeding her. I hate this.


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