Alright, I've posted briefly about this here twice before, but for my own sake, I'm going to recap the story a bit more effectively, and in full. I really do not know what the hell to do, and I'm hella confused and sad about this. Also, white wine helped me write this.
About a month ago I met a man through a mutual friend, and we connected very powerfully, very quickly. As in, we got to talking and were completely taken aback and wigged out by how much we had in common. I'm talking deep seated stuff- childhood experiences we'd never shared with another person, scary similar experiences in relationships, very similar goals and hopes for the future, nearly identical worldview, etc. Conversation was intense and cathartic. Around this time he also told me he'd been dating someone casually, for a month or so, AND it was long distance. So, I took careful note of that, because "dating someone" is still "dating someone", and whether or not it was exclusive, I told myself I should back off. Anyway. The other part to this? I knew he was leaving the country to work abroad at the end of this month. Red flags, I said. Stay away, I told myself again.
But, we hung out once more, with friends. Again, the attraction and connection was powerful, and we kissed one time, once we were alone. Cue all sorts of conflicted but intense feelings on my part. I left him my number, but figured he wouldn't call, that maybe it was a tipsy fluke, and I was alone in my feelings.
Well, lo and behold, he started calling, and around this time I was setting up my new house, so I had plenty of spare time just noodling around, unpacking, hanging pictures, etc. Over a few weeks we started talking every day, then several times a day, for a few hours at a time. He was out of state visiting family before his big move. The connection kept growing, and got into "I've never told another person this" kind of territory. I started to miss him, terribly. There was a week or so where we weren't sure if his work visa was going to clear. Ultimately it did, and I was devastated, but told him I was happy for him, this job is something he's really wanted for a long time. Throughout this whole process, I was open and honest with my feelings for him, and told him every time that I thought this was becoming more than just deep friendship. He told me he reciprocated my feelings, that he wanted us to keep in touch, that he wouldn't ghost out of my life when he left, we would skype, talk on the phone, etc.
I felt okay about this, even excited. I told myself things were better this way, that I'd get too distracted if he was still here, and this is my first semester back in college after a long hiatus- I must stay focused on my long term goals and not get wrapped up in a relationship. Plus it might give us a chance to get closer emotionally first before jumping into anything.
But, some time went on and I started to get worried. He was still "dating" someone, and brought that up in one of our last talks, saying that he felt guilty because they had been close friends first, but he didn't know what to do, especially with him leaving, despite him mentioning previously how it was casual, and he didn't think it would go anywhere.
So, yes, here's the question: why doesn't he just end it, if he's a. leaving b. thinks it won't go anywhere c. it apparently wasn't ever serious and d. it's been so short term already? All of those reasons exist independently of his friendship/relationship with me.
That started to eat away at me, knowing that our conversations had grown so intimate (not sexual or inappropriate, but definitely beyond the scope of just friends) and he was technically seeing someone. So the day that he moved away, he called me after us not talking for a few days (by my choice) and I tearfully told him I couldn't keep doing this, that I was falling in love with him and felt like it wasn't a safe space for me to inhabit while he was involved with another person and moving so far away. I knew deep in my heart if we kept talking, and started skypeing, I was going to get so torn up over it, and I felt like I had no right to tell him what to do about this other person- it had to come from him, whatever decision was made.
He was clearly upset and disappointed, but told me he understood, and respected my wishes, didn't want to see me hurt, etc. He said many kind things about me, that he still adored me, etc.
I don't know what to do, guys. I already miss him so goddamn much, it hurts, and regardless of what happens, I know my feelings are real. I know I did the right thing by setting a boundary out of respect for him, this other person, and above all myself. But, I have never felt like this about anyone. I've had plenty of boyfriends. But, I dream about him, I've written pages of letters to him over the past few weeks, I've never felt so intensely bonded to another person before, and it is absolutely tearing me the hell up to let it walk away, but I don't know what else to do.
And, yeah, there still exists the possibility that this was an illusion, that he's played me and this other girl, that he's a user, etc. I don't want to think, and deep down I can't believe that could be the case, but I accept that it's possible. If it is, he's a sociopath of epic proportions. I want to think this is a fluke, that we found each other and feel very intensely in the face of complicated circumstances. I just can't feel good about possibly never seeing or talking to him again.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. I am going to go finish off my moscato and look at adoptable cats on the internet.