I don’t think I’m ready for this (dating again), but part of me feels like I should just get out there. I need advice (or internet hugs).

So after a devastating breakup last June (which, holy fuck, still causes me to tear up when I mention it or write it, it’s exhausting...) I decided to bite the bullet, dive-in and try online dating again. I reactivated my profile on OkCupid and I have a date tomorrow night. Nothing fancy, just having coffee with a dude (and he’s not someone that I’m super excited about meeting, but he seems interesting in general, so the date could go any which way).

But holy crap, I’m freaking out. Like...I don’t know if I can do this. The whole process reminds me of my ex and it has me in tears trying not to panic (we met thru online dating). I specifically said yes to try to simply go out on a date with someone relatively benign to “get back up on the horse”. But my physical reaction (i.e. the tears and the panic) to this might be telling me I still need time. Or maybe I just need a kick in the ass to “get back out there”.

I just feel like 8+ months is a long time to get over a relationship that was only 9 months long (although it felt like much longer and we were about to move in together) which is why I’m thinking that I should just go on the date and see what happens. I’m not super invested with what happens with the guy, I just want to be able to say that I went on a date - that I went through the motions in the same way that when trying to get my life back on track after the devastation of the break up, I “went through the motions” of life, a bit like a robot, until I was finally able to NOT go through the motions and enjoy myself. Also, as a result of “going though the motions” I was able to keep my apartment relatively tidy (for me) for the past 6 months which HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE EVER. If someone stopped by, I could excuse the mess but I would not be ashamed (as I have been in the past).

What I secretly don’t want to admit is that I still miss my ex terribly and secretly hope that we will get back together (even though I know this won’t happen, but you can’t help the way you feel). UGH, I don’t know what to do - should I cancel the date? Should I go on it to see how the date actually makes me feel (instead of reacting to how the THOUGHT of the date makes me feel)?

I’m so confused.