I've been feeling all the feels lately guise. As I find myself feeling more confident and better about being a mother lots of other "past" issues are coming up. My self esteem being one that is particularly problematic for me. I've said in the past that I've felt a lot of guilt and shame over a couple incidents that happened to me when I was 15. I waffle between feeling like these were sexual assaults or grey rapes or drunken shenanigans I should have known better than to get myself into.
My homework assignment from my therapist is to talk to my husband. I feel pretty confident about being able to open up about how hard the PPD has been especially since I've been feeling pretty happy the last couple days and less ashamed. This assignment has got me thinking about all the other stuff in my life I keep from him. He's begged me in the past to be open with him because he knows I keep a lot inside. There's a lot of little things that feel like a HUGE deal because of my anxiety. I think I will feel after better sharing. And then there are the incidents.
When I imagine how this conversation will go my palms sweat, my hands shake, and my eye twitches. I realize that it feels like I am about to confess to mistakes I've made in the past. The way I tell the story in my head ALWAYS involves me taking at least part of the blame. I've talked about the first incident in the past and it involves one of my husband's high school friends. Nope, nothing complicated there. The second one I've never talked about out loud. I've only ever replayed it in my head over and over again. And thanks to social media I am reminded of these incidents every time these people show up in my newsfeed. And every time I think I'm over it. It happened a really long time ago and we were kids and we've all moved on so just move on. But then I find myself replaying it. Blaming myself for it. If I don't believe it wasn't my fault how can I expect anyone to support me when I tell them?
FTR I can't even imagine telling my therapist about this stuff yet. So I definitely won't proceed with talking to my husband about it. Mostly I'm just curious if anybody else has felt this way about admitting past trauma to loved ones?