So, obviously I’m not actually leaving this decision up to the Internet. This is more of a think out loud thing. Indulge me, won’t you?

I know some people say that if you’re wavering or questioning whether or not to have kids, don’t. And that’s fair, maybe that’s the simple answer - but it definitely doesn’t feel that simple for us. It feels so complicated and scary and weird and hard.

As an overly analytical person, I feel like I see all the pros and cons of both versions of my future. I completely understand why people have kids, and I completely understand why others don’t. How the hell do we figure out which is right for us? Before it gets to the point where the decision is biologically made for us? (Assuming it hasn’t been already - we don’t know our fertility status.)

We’re nervous about most of the usual things - the inevitables (losing sleep for awhile, less time for ourselves, not being able to do what we want whenever, money - this last one is especially huge because we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, both for housing and childcare).....and the what ifs (what if something goes wrong, what if a child has extremely severe lifelong disabilities, what if it’s a sociopath horrible person)...

And I understand the delightful parts - the joy, the crazy amounts of love, fun, life, getting to watch a human you made become their own person, etc.

I wish either one of us was sure either way, but both of us just...don’t know. If I tell myself, “You are never going to have children,” it does make me sad. If I say, “You are definitely having kids,” it scares the crap out of me. It seems like the biggest decision we’ll ever have to make, right? I’ve had a pretty good track record of trusting my gut reactions and instincts throughout my life, but this one...the gut isn’t telling me either way.

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My biggest fear is that we’ll decide, and then one of us will change their mind. And if we decide it’s a go, we sure can’t go back! (And if we decide it’s a no, we have a short window in the grand scheme of things to go back on that.)

PS I 100% don’t want this to be a mommy vs. kid free flame wars. I’ll delete it if it seems like it’s spawning that type of discussion. I assume everyone has made the decision that was right for them in life. I wish I could be more like everyone who was able to make that decision either way! I feel like there are a lot of stories of people who have always been sure one way or another, but I don’t hear as many from people who were somewhere in the middle. I would especially love to hear from anyone who felt/feels that way.