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I just had a talk with Mr. Pocket.

We were going to bed, and I started in on my weight. My ranting went on to our inability to conceive. We've been trying for a baby pretty much since before we got married. Beyond a sperm test thingie, I've done all the testing and I've done it alone. I've expressed this to him before, but I feel so fucking alone in this. No one fucking gets it. He just has this attitude of, "I'll be happy if it happens but if it doesn't I'll be okay." and I've been grieving over the fact that we will never have children of our own. No one can tell me what's wrong with me. Last I heard it was Hashimoto's, but my doctor did a vanishing act and the new one at the practice says my bloodwork doesn't indicate Hashimoto's at all. So, at this point I don't feel like I can trust medical professionals at all. Every single test I have had has cost a shitton of money, some were excruciatingly painful and embarrassing (my hystropingogram), some were just embarrassing (transvaginal ultrasound while I was on a heavy period that had lasted for two months), but none of them have turned up any results.


I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I'm still really upset. I started crying so badly that I couldn't articulate myself properly, and I'm still crying. I just feel some resentment that this matters so much less to him than it does me. I feel like I am grieving for this thing that we've lost, and it doesn't matter to him. Worse still, I have no one else to talk to about it because no one understands. I'm so tired of people saying, "Oh, just give it time. It'll happen." I'm so sick of these fucking people that I just want to fucking scream.

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