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The best letter from today's Dear Prudie column

Dear Prudence,
I have an embarrassing question on bathroom etiquette. My wife, who is normally not a neat freak, insists that I scrub the toilet after I go number two to prevent unsightly streaks on the bowl. She claims that I'm the only person she's known who leaves such marks. To keep the peace at home, I use a toilet brush and spray to clean the bowl after use, which seems to me a reasonable courtesy. Recently, we went to a friend's house for a party and during the night I had to relieve myself. My wife used the bathroom after me and later confided she was horrified to see I had left marks in the bowl. There was no toilet brush available, so I didn't feel obliged to scrub afterward, but did flush twice. She now insists that I have a problem, is shopping for a portable brush to carry when we go out, and is encouraging me to change my diet. I think our friends are adults, and can be expected to know that sometimes toilets get dirty. I'm starting to dread getting invited for parties, as I know my wife will be giving me the evil eye whenever I make a move toward the bathroom.—Mr. Ty-D-Bowl

Dear Bowl,
In the movie The Madness of King George, some royal physicians attempt to diagnose the increasingly strange behavior of their king by studying his stool. A doctor who doesn’t believe in such methods remarks, “One can produce copious, regular, and exquisitely turned evacuation every day of the week and still be a stranger to reason.” I believe the same thing can be said of your wife. If she’s never seen a toilet-bowl skid mark until marrying you, then she has never used a public restroom. Your eliminations may have more traction than hers, but if you are in good health an overhaul of your diet is unnecessary. I agree that when you leave a fecal signature, a quick scrub is the polite thing to do. But I don’t want to contemplate your showing up at the next dinner party with a bottle of wine in one hand and a toilet brush in the other. I have a suggestion. The next time nature calls during a social event, and there’s no bathroom brush, first lay down a toilet paper raft prior to sitting, to ease the departure of your discharge. If this isn’t good enough for your wife, I’m not suggesting you dump her, but you might be moved to offer a few scatological remarks about her putting her nose where it doesn’t belong.—Prudie


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