Dear Mr. Pinkham
I don't know if you are aware, since you have left us for greener pastures full of commenters who DESPERATELY need to tell everyone about the deep personal injustice they felt that one time a waiter had to ask them to repeat a food order, but we are having a very lovely discussion about diets. But it seems everyone is once again forgetting about that most magical of diets the "hey-look-that-bag-of-marshmallows-I-bought-for-s'mores-that-I never-finished-I -guess-I-will-just-eat-that-for-dinner diet".
So, without further ado, I present the six reasons to only ever eat marshmallows
- They are delicious. Don't deny it, marshmallows taste amazing. They don't taste amazing in the boring, straight forward, "this has rich and complex flavors" kind of way like a chocolate torte, but more in a "I am not 100% sure this is food but I want it in my mouth" kind of way, like Capri Sun. Sure we all espouse the grossness when looking at that tumblr with all the shit people find in there, but when it comes down to it and you find one of those suckers in your fridge - it is going in your body.
- They are nostalgic. If Buzzfeed's traffic has taught us anything, it is that people have lost all hope in the future (it is no fun fantasizing about student loans and the death of Social Security) so much so that they will cling to anything that even remotely reminds them of their childhood. Eat a fricking peep and try to tell me that doesn't remind you of being a kid.
- You can pretend to cook. I am going to tell you a story about my sister. I once told her to heat up some rolls I had in the freezer. Instead of taking out the clearly marked Pillsbury rolls, she took out a loaf of bread and popped it into the oven STILL IN THE PLASTIC. This is how* bad she was at cooking. That being said, she makes a mean s'more. Because it is the easiest thing in the world.
- Fluff. Benjamin Franklin once said " Wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." All due respect to Wine, but Benjamin Franklin clearly never had fluff. There is no better evidence of divine invention than a fluffernutter sandwich. In Lynn, Massachusetts, where fluff was invented, there is a fucking museum about the history of fluff. That is how great that shit is.
- They make candy so much better. Nothing improves on a hard, crunchy candy bar like the fluffy goodness of marshmallow. Now technically this diet is meant to allow only pure marshmallow, but like with all diets I make an exception for candy. Despite what some naysayers might think, there is a reason MalloCups have stayed on the market since the 1940s, they are awesome.
- It will make Ubertrout angry. Now, whether you like Mr. Pinkham and his clearly incorrect statements regarding a certain gelatinous confection, this one should be important to you. If you don't like him, then eating marshmallow allows you to both a) fill your body with pillowy goodness and b) show him how much you don't give a shit about his anti-marshmallow propaganda. But if you are a fan than you should remember that being angry is his job. He needs fuel for his sardonic fire or his light will go out. Who then will report on the injustices of gummi bears that give you explosive diarrhea or the utter paradox that is a Easter sugar diorama? Me? I think you can tell from the quality of this post that no one wants that.
So my fellow Groupthinkers, I think I have made myself pretty clear. Let us eat marshmallow and only marshmallow! Nutritional deficiencies be dammed!
NOTE: to Kirov and Etienne, I hope you see that the only person I wish to chide with this post is Pinkham. I don't intend this to be a call out post or anything, I just thought this would be a funny joke.
*she is thankfully much better at cooking now