Well fuck me sideways.
I have two very large raised, red, circular and itchy-as-fuck rashes on my upper thigh where they meet in perfect harmony and large enough to go slightly under my bum. They hurt like a dick trapped in a weedwacker, and of course WebMD informed me that I probably have Crohns, so thanks, WebMD. This is why we cannot take you seriously.
Anyway. I couldn't sleep because of the itchyness so I went and got some cream the pharmacist recommended and took a bath which seemed to help. Apparently I ought to not wear pants, which is yes.
The moral of the story is, don't ever, ever google search rashes. You will never find one that looks like yours, and you will see a lot of pictures of unhappy baby butts that you could have lived without.