I've been sleeping a lot. Last night, Saturday night, the night I usually look forward to spending in quiet post-hangover chillout with friends, I just slept right through it. It wasn't worth the trouble of dealing with.
Since I have no 9-5 job and winter won't go the fuck away, it's partially understandable. But the part that's unforgivable is how much it has to do with my romantic situation.
Last night I was supposed to hang out with my bestie as per our usual Saturday fare of cocktails and conversation with a few comfy people. This Saturday evening though he'd arranged to make music with that boy who broke my heart. They're good friends so it's not weird, and we were supposed to hang out after all that noise, but eventually that became the night. Making music with the boy I used to make music with when we were together. Whose newest album I haven't even listened to yet because I know there's a song or two on there that I mused and damn would that be a stake to the heart. Whose new (if 2 months is new) place I haven't been to yet because he has not invited me, and he wasn't inviting me now, my bestie was. I didn't want to go. I knew if I did go I'd want to be strong and look and feel my best but I just didn't have it in me. So I went to bed.
I slept from 8:30 to 7:30 this morning. 11 hours. And I don't feel like I have much to get up for this morning, either.
Then there's the matter of OKC boy, who I still haven't gotten around to feeling able to trust. I know it's partially my self worth talking, but I don't actually feel unattractive and worthless most of the time. I make good art and cook good food I feel good about my appearance. I don't mind being officially unemployed, because I do a lot of volunteer stuff and work under the table a couple times a week. I have great friends who value me and my thoughts. But he doesn't seem curious about me. He's never asked to see my art, or asked about my volunteering, and he doesn't seem interested in trying my cooking when I offer it. He doesn't ask me things about myself. I ask people things all the time, I thought it was normal to want to know stuff about people you like.
I sometimes feel like all we do is smoke weed and watch tv and snuggle (which albeit is very nice sometimes), but since it's -20C and we're both broke that's kind of normal because what else is there to do, right? I worry that he's seeing other girls (especially after reading this and then being rainchecked for a date four days in a row). I worry that I should leave him before he has the chance to leave me. I worry about the point of it all.
I don't know if this is a self-worth thing, to be honest. I have been having trouble feeling okay since I got news that my abuser died. I'm feeling kind of hopeless about relationships. I can't seem to find the people I like who will like me back and treat me the way I need to be treated. On top of that everyone turns out to be kind of boring and bored with me. I feel apathy and desperation. I feel kind of misanthropic. I'm having trouble creating meaning for my life and I feel cloistered by this unrelenting winter. And then I feel ungrateful. And then I just feel ashamed.
Is this just the end-of-winter blues? Stuff will look up when we break -20C, right?