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So, I’ve been dealing with some shit. Family shit. I am seeing that this (at least the issues/emotions on my end) is becoming a cycle every few years with at least one or more people in my family. Basically, we are all completely superficial and I guess we love each other, but no one is really honest or there beyond the most mundane shit. Like, I shit you not, the most frequent topic of conversation with my parents is the fucking weather in our respective areas.

Anyway, I’m just feeling awful and so, so alone. I literally have no one but my husband and if he’s gone (which he is all the time for work travel) then I’m alone, alone, alone. I have no one to turn to.

Part of that is because I grew up with abuse. So I don’t trust people. But I guess what I’m wondering is, did any of you who grew up with abuse go on to have stable or good relationships with your family? If so, how? Because the only way I’ve been maintaining these relationships is to just stuff everything down. My mantra is basically that they are who they are, they won’t change and they don’t have the emotional capacity to hear me and my feelings no matter how hard I try. So, if I want a relationship, then it’s up to me manage my own feelings. I know I can do this, yet again, with time. I’m fairly certain I still want a relationship with them. I can’t help that I do love them, despite everything. I’m afraid an estrangement would end up hurting me more. But still. This sucks and I’m freaking drained and I really just don’t feel loved back.

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