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small victories

I slept last night, all through the night, for about 10 hours. I am pretty sure the 3 glasses of white wine I had with dinner last night lent me a hand with that, but victory is victory. I have been waking up at 2am for the last 4-5 nights and unable to go back to sleep after that, so I’m relieved that I finally got some sleep.

Also, I woke up truly hungry today, after a week of no appetite. For breakfast I am having an everything bagel, some “green” eggs (scrambled with pesto, nomnomnom) and a golden delicious apple. Yay sustenance.

I’m still breaking into ugly tears at least twice a day, but that’s down from the hours of crying I did this past weekend. I am starting to get my bearings in dealing with this breakup. I am glad that I put my boundary up and told him in no uncertain terms not to contact me again without my permission. I am grateful for those little moments of clarity and sanity you sometimes get when it feels like the walls are fucking crumbling around you.


I am also starting to come to terms with how deep his maturity problems run, and how hellish it would have been to have had to keep dealing with them, or how much it would have hurt if we had been together for a year or more and this selfish, bratty side had suddenly appeared. It doesn’t matter how wonderful the first few months were, how happy, safe and joyful I felt, or how deep our compatibility is/was. If one person is refusing to grow forward, there’s nothing else that can be done, and his fake, untested ideas of how a relationship is supposed to go that he’s refusing to let go of are keeping him stuck. I think that things are going to get a lot more difficult for him before they get better because of the amount of growing up he has left to do, and had we stayed together, I think I would have taken a lot of collateral damage from that, just based on the way I have watched him deal with obstacles in the past month.

It is sad, and yes, I am still super fucking bummed out, and I wish that things were different, and a part of me still hopes and dreams that he will wake the fuck up and see what he’s walked away from and try to reconcile, but I can’t force that or wait around for him to happen. I’d just get more hurt and disappointed.

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