Part 2 because what the internet does best is inspire the commercialization of pain, experience and confession. Part 1 FWIW
Husband went to his appointment this morning. I am jealous of his prompt action considering I have to wait till March 20th or something and travel across state lines. Grrr on my side.
He was prescribed another medication, one I haven't heard of. It talks about treating anxiety but also mentions attention span. I'm kinda jealous except for the fact he has to take it 3-4 times a day. I worry that he won't be able to keep up the schedule but I guess that's what iphone alerts are for. See graph image that came up under a "reminder" image search.
I was worried that he was in the hospital for a little while when I didn't hear from him. Part of me hoped he was in the hospital. Not psych hospital (though my mind did go through the list of things I could bring him and the list of things I couldn't) but real hospital so he could actually rest. See horrifying old psych photo.
If I kicked ass and budgeted, he could take a week off. But I know that he'd want to be here during that week and it would just result in more "this is great! And now I have to go back to Wisconsin and feel shitty." See kid and pigeon.
I've felt drugged and nothing on the side of crappy all day. Feeling nothing actually worked when I was trying to get the baby to cave to nap training. You're crying and hate me, naps, food, and anything not associated with the cat's tail? GREAT! Because I feel absolutely nothing. Cry baby. Cry. See crying baby GIF.
Dude, of course I'm not that heartless but I was seriously struck by how little I felt when he went through his first nap struggles. I read up on napping strategy today and was doing everything I learned. It's his later nap and we've just recently changed the priority from length of nap at all costs (paying me to be a baby mattress) to him sleeping on his own in his crib. Plus side to feeling nothing? I didn't get as easily frustrated as I was on Monday. It's definitely a "yea for other people's babies because I can leave them when my time is up!" week but I'm sure it'll change.
I went to Woof and Wine and stuck to animals. The woman who I've talked to the most wasn't there so I stuck near the desk and the one employee who likes my dog the best. Good puppy kisses and pets which felt good. Relatively nothing but one or two okay conversations where I only minorly felt conversation impaired. See Burt and Andy Samberg image which came up during search for "depressed conversation." Yep. There's a famous classmate of mine who is awesome while I suck. Glad I can pollute others' successes with my own depression!!! And yes. Jealous of him meeting Burt even though I know it's prob not Frank Oz.
Seriously! How do you answer people's "How are you?" questions when you're feeling like crap? Since I was a senior in high school, I haven't been able to play things off with "Fine!" or "Everything is Great!" No one asks past my "mehhhhhhh" comment but at least I'm not lying to people I see on a near daily basis. Fucking make people acknowledge their own indifference to my suffering (sounds severe but it's probably most of our daily lives... ignoring or measuring other people's suffering against our energy and attention span). See "FINE" image.
My own therapy is tomorrow and I don't expect a lot besides feeling "heard." You folks did a lot of that yesterday and today with that but of course my therapist is different. It's supposed to be fucking freezing here tomorrow but my goal is still to get down to my appointment and then back up for nannying.
Hoping for sleep and not needing to take the dog out for another business trip but I doubt that'll happen. He got tons of treats including duck's feet at the party so I gotta watch that digestive system. My own needs? Dont know what they are or what to do. I want time to do things but have no energy or esteem to do those things. One foot in front of a fucking 'nother. See Winston.
p.s. Hope everyone is doing well.
p.p.s. Again, fuck those who don't read people's posts like these though I totally understand the impulse not to read. If you spared me a moment, thank you. Hope you do it for someone else as well and I'll try my best to do the same for you.
p.p.p.s. Going to sleep after walking the puppy so I'll respond tomorrow.