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Since he's balking at moving out (which he has agreed to do) until we have a separation agreement, I'm just going to leave him the start of one. Let's move this along, dumbass! You said you would leave, now LEAVE. My state doesn't need a separation agreement; he's just being a pain. But if he wants to be a pain, so can I. My hope is to get him to agree to terms and then give it to my lawyer who will make it all prettified and stuff. Also, in my state, you don't need to have a lawyer draw up a separation agreement if you decide to have one (you can just write it on a napkin and sign it if you want), but if he wants to be a pain, I'm going to let my lawyer handle it. That's what he's there for. Anything y'all can think of that I need to add?


Separation Details

Utilities/ Bills

  • The utilities need to be transferred to Shiny’s name. Electricity, Water/Sewage/trash, internet/phone, gas. Shiny has been paying these bills and will continue to do so. Because they are in Asshole’s name, Shiny has no ability to manage the accounts. This must be taken care of ASAP.
  • Mobile phones. Again, because this account is only in Asshole’s name, Shiny has no ability to make this change. <phone company> needs to be called and asked if we can get out of the contract. If yes, then we each negotiate our own contracts after closing the <phone company> account. If no, then we each pay ½ of the bill until the contract runs out. There is no need to change the address of the account.
  • Credit Cards – Asshole will be responsible for the credit card debt he has incurred. This includes the Capitol One and Citi cards he opened in Shiny’s name without her knowledge or consent. This also includes the 123 Rewards Visa card (through US Bank).


  • Asshole will transfer the title to the Chrysler Mini-van to Shiny who will retain possession of it.
  • Asshole will retain possession of the Explorer.

<House Address>

  • During the separation, Shiny will retain possession of the house and Nanobot #1 and Nanobot #2 will live there with her.
  • During the separation, Shiny will pay the house payment each month.
  • If any repairs to the house are necessary, the cost of these will be split evenly between Asshole and Shiny.
  • At the end of the separation, plans will be made to sell the house.

Nanobot #1 and Nanobot #2

  • Nanobot #1 and Nanobot #2 will live with Shiny at <house address> street.
  • Asshole will have visitation with the boys at his residence every other weekend (5pm Friday through 6pm Sunday)
  • Holiday visits:
  • Asshole will have visitation with Nanobot #1 and Nanobot #2 in even-numbered years, on Memorial Day and Labor Day; in odd-numbered years, on Easter, Fourth of July, and Thanksgiving, with each visit to run from 9am to 6pm, unless a holiday with Asshole falls on the Monday following a visitation weekend, in which case Asshole may keep the children Sunday night and return them Monday at 6pm.
  • For Christmas, in even-numbered years, Asshole shall have visitation from 2pm, Christmas Day through 6pm, December 26, and in odd-numbered years, he shall have visitation from 9am, December 24, through 2pm, Christmas Day.
  • Shiny will have the children for the same holiday periods in the years opposite of those set out for Asshole; such holiday times shall take priority over the regular periodic visitation schedule.
  • Every Father’s Day will be spent with Asshole, from 9am to 6pm, and every Mother’s Day will be spent with Shiny from 9am to 6pm, regardless of the weekend visitation schedule.
  • If Asshole has a night off in the middle of the week and wishes to spend time with Nanobot #1 and Nanobot #2, Shiny will be receptive to this.
  • Nanobot #1 and Nanobot #2 will attend Sunday School and one worship service each week unless their absence has been pre-arranged. Preferably, this will be at Shiny’s church, where the boys have friends and connections, but if Asshole finds a church where he is comfortable and attends weekly, the boys are welcome to join him there on their weekends with him.
  • Shiny will take the children to North Carolina for vacation August 4 through August 10 2013. Asshole will have visitation with the children two weekends in a row (August 16-18 and August 23-25) in order to make up for the difference in the rotation.
  • Future vacations will be discussed by Asshole and Shiny in a timely manner.
  • Asshole will pay child support as mandated by the state.

Completely unrelated: Dude! I've been re-reading the Dune series, since I never got through Children of Dune, and I'm working on rectifying that right now. And I've been considering rewarding myself with the SyFy channel miniseries from way back when they were still SciFi, and OMG! Young Sexy Professor X is Leto Atreides II! But.... but.... Old Sexy Professor X was Gurney Halleck in the David Lynch Dune movie! I can't take the sexy! People, THE SPICE MUST FLOW!!!

Illustration for article titled So, heres what Wedded Asshole is going to find as a little love note on his pillow when he gets home tonight

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