Earlier today. And I don't really know what to think.

I loved her - she was a kind, intelligent, beautiful, incredibly classy woman. She was WASPy to the core - very polite always, and it wasn't until I got older that I realized that if you knew how to interpret the polite way she said things, she was actually hilariously snarky in her own way. My favorite was my younger sister had a boyfriend who we all were fairly certain was gay. He met my grandparents, and later on I chatted with my Nanna about what she thought. She said "He was a very nice boy. I think he has... very sensitive eyes." Which was 100% Nanna speak for "don't you think he might be super gay"? She was a girl scout leader for many years and then ran the local girl scout chapter. I never knew her when she wasn't sewing or knitting for her church, or baking cookies for events, and she was a leader on committees and projects through the church they went to for 30 years. She was an excellent example of one of the women of her generation who didn't have a job after getting married, but worked and was a true leader in many spheres.

We have a lot of family drama in our lives. My mother doesn't talk to her parents; I don't talk to my parents. I know my mother doesn't like her dad, and her mom for being compliant with the dad, and I respect that and the way she feels, but they'd always been very kind and loving and supportive to me, often far more than my own parents were.

She was old, and not very lucid, and sick, and my sadness is more selfish than anything else, because I'm very happy for her that she no longer has to struggle, and that her passing was relatively quick and painless.

I deal with a lot of issues about not feeling loved, and feeling abandoned - probably because my father was emotionally and physically abusive and repeated over and over again that he never loved me and thought I was terrible, and I feel like my mom chose him and abandoned me. And I'm going through a rough time now in any case, because my relationship of six years just ended, very much against my will,

And maybe it's incredibly selfish, but all I can think now is that someone that loved me is gone. And that I just keep losing people that love me. I don't have enough to keep losing them, you know? And I feel sad and awful that my grief is so wrapped up in self pity.


She was a wonderful woman. I'm glad she's free.