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So I went to a holistic diagnostician today.

A Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

My manager went a month ago. He’s apparently a huge deal in the Portuguese community; she knew a bunch of people that went to him and swore to the heavens that he was amazing. She was impressed when she went too. She said she broke down crying at everything he told her about her body and how he promised he could cure it all.


His thing is that he apparently can tell everything about your health by looking at you and doing a brief external examination. He could tell her sister was depressed, for example. He knew without being told that a cousin of hers had Colitis. He knew about a physical problem she’d been dealing with her whole life. He could tell that she had inflammation in her lower back from a recent back injury. After she went, a bunch of my coworkers went as well to see this miracle man, and the ones I’ve talked to were convinced he was legit.

So I went today. I was pretty skeptical (I even told my manager so in advance), but I was curious what he would say to someone who didn’t come in for a specific problem. I told him that I’d heard all these amazing things and since I was always paranoid about my health, I wanted to see if he could find out anything I didn’t know I had. I wasn’t even completely closed-minded about it. Who knows, maybe he could just read minute changes in skin tone, posture, etc that helped him diagnose deeper issues?


He took my pulse and stared at me for what felt like the longest time. Then he said, “Your liver... it’s working, but it’s really **** (he said something I didn’t quite catch or understand). I asked for clarification, and he told me it was working slower than it should be and building up fats. It was probably caused by digestion issues. I asked if it was serious, and he said it wasn’t, but it was something I should keep an eye on.

Then he asked me about my lower back, and if I’d had any injuries that could account for inflammation. I answered in the negative. He seemed really taken aback, and asked if I lifted heavy things regularly, like boxes or children (HA!). I said no again, and he told me that there wasn’t a slipped disk, but there was definite inflammation around the base of my spine.


I was already having suspicions at this point, but we kept going. He said my thyroid gland production seemed to be a little off, and asked if I’d ever had it tested. He was surprised when I said I’d had it tested last fall and that it was in the lower end of the normal range. He then said that it wasn’t damaged, exactly, but that yes, he could see that it would put me in the lower range. Again, something I might want to keep an eye on, and possibly use supplements for (*DING DING DING*).

He said there might be slight scarring on one of my Fallopian tubes, and for a brief moment I thought he was actually able to perceive my unwomanning, but then my brain woke up and was like “Hey, you have two defective Fallopian tubes, remember?” I didn’t say anything about the surgery, but did say that I’d been diagnosed with PCOS as a teen, and he jumped on it and said that yes, that is exactly what it is. Scarring caused by cysts. I nodded, thankful for a resting bitch face that makes it really difficult to tell when I’m trying not to laugh.


He went on to say I was generally healthy, and didn’t need to worry too much about anything other than what we’d discussed. My heart and lungs were fine. My iron count was a tad low, but nothing to worry about. I was slightly vitamin D deficient, but again, supplements could take care of that. I was honestly trying not to roll my eyes at this point. I’m freaking asthmatic! I come down with bronchial asthma 3-6 times a year, and I’ve been told there is some scarring in my lungs as a result. Also, about a month ago I tried to donate blood and it turns out I’m really anemic. As for vitamin D, well, first of all, I’m Canadian. My doctor told me once that as a general rule they don’t test for vitamin D deficiency with basic blood work because we’re ALL vitamin D deficient. You know, what with the whole winter-that-never-ends thing. I also walked in wearing a wide-brimmed hat and long sleeves in the middle of July. It’s a *pretty* safe bet that I don’t get my daily dose of sunshine.

So, yeah. Complete charlatan. It was really easy to see his M.O.. Someone walks in, and he starts offering vague, very common troubles that are relatively easy to predict. I’m overweight. Therefore, I must have a slow metabolism, have digestion issues, and have a thyroid issue. Nope! I’m overweight because I have a stomach like a rock, love to eat a lot of the mostly-healthy foods I cook from scratch, and have an aversion to exercise. It’s pretty obvious I don’t do physical labour, so a safe bet that I’m an office worker, and therefore susceptible to lower back issues. Except Nope again! I don’t know how I dodged that bullet, but my lower back is fine. My neck is a different story, but he didn’t guess that. I guarantee all of the people who were so impressed by him spilled the beans when he hinted at general problems, or maybe their silent reactions let him know when he was getting closer.


The kicker came at the end. He talked again about supplements to prevent anything from getting worse (which, of course, he sold), and said how “It might seem like 40 is a long time away, but some issues can be really aggravated by then without treatment. How old are you again?”

“I’m 34.”

“Oh, wow! You look really young for your age. I thought you were about 25, 27.”

DUDE! Either you’re making a really blatant attempt to butter me up, or you’re flat out admitting that you can’t even tell my approximate age! I’m supposed to believe you can see slight glandular irregularities when you can’t tell how old I am?


Needless to say, I have had ANY open-mindedness about homeopathy/naturopathy slammed shut again. Give me scientifically-backed tests and medicine or give me death (after a nice long life, of course).

Illustration for article titled So I went to a holistic diagnostician today.

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