about what I'm struggling with right now.

I don't want to. It scares the hell out of me - I can barely say to myself that I am Not Okay. But I think I have to, at this point. She is my friend and my roommate, after all. I owe it to her to explain why I've been so reclusive lately, why I've been horrible about doing the dishes, etc. I don't want to excuse my behavior, but I do want to explain it.

Like, fine. I've been rehearsing what I'm going to tell her when she gets home. I think I can do it.

I want to talk to her about something related, but don't really know how. See, she is super into Downton Abbey and wants to organize a Sunday watch party, alternating between our apartment and her boyfriend's. When she first proposed it, I thought it sounded great.

Now...not so much. I mean, I like the people she'd invite - they're my friends too - and I recognize that being around people I like might be beneficial to my mental/emotional well-being. The idea of playing host and expending energy to be amicable and friendly, even smiling, is more than I feel I can handle right now. It doesn't help that these parties would be right before I leave for an overnight shift at work.

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I am loathe to ask her to give up hosting at our place, especially when she's so damn excited about it. I don't want to be the reason she has to give that up. I guess I could hide out in my room, but I was taught that that is RUDE and so would feel way guilty and anxious about that. So how do I handle this? How have you all handled this?

I still feel like I'm being ridiculous. That I should be able to snap out of this. Given that I spent practically the entire day in bed because I can't bear doing anything else, I am thinking that snapping out of this isn't an option.

On the upside, I did manage to dig up a couple of leads for therapists in my network. So, that's a start, I guess.

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And I've been looking at cute Pomeranian puppy gifs all day. I miss when PaperDog was this small...

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