And I'm a bit nervous. Not uncomfortable, just nervous. This'll be the first time I've seen him since the breakup, even though we've been talking and everything.

He called me yesterday to say Merry Christmas, and we bullshitted for a bit. He told me how his neighbor and dad's close friend passed away a couple of weeks ago. He went into cardiac arrest out of nowhere. I knew him, too. He was a really sweet man, and really not old (maybe mid 50s?). My ex told me how his dad wasn't holding up too well from it since that was basically his best friend.

I eventually got on the phone with his dad (I've told you guys before how his dad and I are really close) and he sounded very sad, and told me he missed me. So I asked if he'd like me to come by and have coffee with him on Friday (tomorrow) and he said he'd love it. I got back on the phone with my ex and told him, and he said they'd both like to see me so it's perfectly fine with him if I come by.

I'm just nervous, ya know? Him and I are on good terms. We talk on the phone every few weeks and catch up and are friendly. I think we're on the road to being friends, but we're not there yet. I know a lot of people advise against staying friends with exes, but I don't like doing that. I'm friends with most of my exes, and there's only one I won't speak to at all as he was abusive. The ones who I'm not friends with, we're still on good terms. This ex and I, we were together a decent amount of time. We were friends on top of dating. I never wanted to completely lose him. We actually talked about that the last time we spoke before yesterday - how we're glad we didn't entirely lose each other. It sucks that we didn't work out, of course, but that doesn't mean he needs to cease to exist. Plus we share a lot of friends, so that was a factor as well.

And yes, Consort knows that my ex and I still speak and that I'm going to see him and his dad tomorrow. He's (seemingly) ok with it. I told him if it makes him uncomfortable then I won't go, and he said it's fine. He's also friends with my ex so that makes it easier.

I just wonder how it will go tomorrow. I wonder if it'll be awkward or anything. I hope not. I also wonder if he has any feelings left, and if so if he'll bring it up. I imagine that he won't say anything even if he does still have feelings for me, out of respect for both me and Consort. But we'll see.


I also wonder how I'll feel when I see him, since it's the first time since the breakup. Like if I'll get a surge of emotions or something. I mean, I don't have feelings now. I miss him every once in a while, like if something reminds me of him or whatever, but I'm not in a perpetual state of missing him or anything. I'm just wondering if seeing him will change that, and I really hope it doesn't. I really don't know what I'll do if I see him and I'm like "fuck, I am still in love with you." That would be very problematic. I don't think it will. I mean, if I was still in love with him I would know even without seeing him, right?

I don't know. I'm probably over thinking all of this, as I usually do. Nerves make me do that. We'll see. I'm sure I'm worrying about this for no reason and tomorrow will be completely fine and inane.

Meanwhile I'm watching Cheaper by the Dozen, with Steve Martin, and the kid's pet frog just died and it's making me want to cry because no one cares about him. Cue all the sads. And fuck you Steve Martin. You're kind of an asshole even when you're acting.