So...I'm worried about my best friend (BFF), and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like she's in a scarily co-dependent, manipulative (mostly platonic) relationship with a guy who ... is like Doritos. Delicious but in a way that is not nutritionally sound or even very fulfilling?
He is, I think, a decent person deep down. He's generous with his time and his resources, he goes out of his way for his friends, he has really good taste in music. But he is capricious and fickle, he's aimless, he's thoughtless, he acts like an overgrown ManChild. He can be as selfish as he is generous. He operates on a policy of "better to ask for forgiveness than permission."
BFF doesn't have a happy home life - her family is full of selfish, immature assholes - so I can see why she wants to hang out with someone who shows that he's willing to be generous to her. But he slept with her and courted her (while he was breaking up with his ex), only to tell her that he didn't actually want to be in a relationship with her because she was "too important" to him so he was going to pursue this other chick, kthnxbai. Rather than lose him, she settled for being his "best bro" instead. I get that. I've done it. It sucks.
The thing is? The thing is...I don't think it's working. She still has Romantic Feelings for him. He has little regard for hers. (She is not faultless - she hooked up with him even while he was seeing other women.)
He hurts her feelings so regularly, and when she calls him on his bullshit, she's the one who ends up apologizing.
For example: I was visiting and we all recently hung out. Apparently, I sparked his fancy (even though he's currently dating someone), and he expressed his interest in fucking me to my BFF while I was not around. She asked him not to because he would end up hurting me the way he hurt her ... and he got mad at her. He stayed mad for the rest of the day. They made up - he told her he felt like shit and he was sorry, but she also felt like she had to apologize to him for making him mad.
She told me she cares too much, that she's tired of being shunted to the side and not worthy to be considered his girlfriend...or something. I don't know.
I want to support her because she's having such a shit time with unrelated things. But this man makes me deeply uncomfortable. He already tried to drive a wedge between BFF and her (and my) other best friend. Then he expressed interest in me, and BFF admitted that if I were to reciprocate, she wouldn't be able to handle it...
Honestly, I'm hurt by that. I'm hurt that she knows that I know how she feels about him (unspoken and implied, an elephant in the room) and she thinks I'd, what, fall into his lap? I'm hurt that she trusts this guy's word over the word of her best friends. That something is only true when he tells her and not when we do. I'm hurt that he holds so much sway, that suddenly he knows her better after a few months than her best friends who have grown up with her and seen her through so very very much.
I want so badly to like him because he is such an important part of her life...but I can't. I can't. I don't respect him, I don't trust him, and I side-eye everything that he does. Maybe I'm being too harsh or overprotective or territorial, but he sets my alarm bells ringing on CODE RED CODE RED. After this latest incident, I also don't want to be around him at all (I don't think he'd do anything without my consent, but I'm also uncomfortable at this position he has knowingly or unknowingly putting me in).
I'm also scared. I'm scared that she's pulling away from me because she can sense my discomfort with him. I'm scared that I'm alienating her because when she calls me crying over something he's done to upset her, I tell her that what he said wasn't okay, wasn't right. I tell her that she needs boundaries, breathing space away from him so she won't keep getting hurt. I'm scared that, suddenly, fault lines have appeared in my relationship with my best friend, and I am contributing to them but I don't know HOW.
Am I being judgmental? Too harsh? Too critical? I tend to have exacting standards, and I'm not very forgiving of certain faults of which he has an abundance...
How do I be a good friend to my BFF in this situation? I am trying to support her as best I can, but if there's anything that I could be doing better...I want to be doing it.
(I also don't think this is a very good explanation of the situation, but both for brevity's sake and to avoid doxxing, I'm leaving out all the details. I'm also barely coherent from exhaustion. I can clarify.)