I've been away from GT for a while - the internet as a whole really for the last 3 months, I'm in the Australian outback working as a farmhand. I've got 2 weeks to go and I was planning doing a big "I'm back" post, which I suppose I will (with some epic pictures of kangaroos), but I just drove 30km to pick up my emails from the scrap of signal available and there's an email from my parents who've been acting as my postmasters while I'm off travelling and of no fixed abode. I kinda just needed to write out my thoughts and I suppose GT is the best place for that - sorry if it's a bit boring.
My Decree Absolute came through today.
How do I feel about that? Happy? Relieved? Sad? I'm not really sure, I haven't seen her in nearly a year and only twice for about 20 mins each in the two years since she left with her short term new beau. I went back to the UK for a couple of weeks last month and despite her wanting to, I felt no urge whatsoever to see her and chat. She feels like an irrelevance now.
I suppose it's the feeling of the unknown - I pretty much went through all the stages of loss you can imagine. As she packed up her stuff in the next room with the other guy waiting outside in the car I changed my name back on facebook (I double barrelled my name with hers), I decided I'd keep it classy, but there was about a 3 month period I don't remember where I just hit the gym, the bottle, smoked an awful lot of cigarettes and just barely managed to keep my job.
Now I've definitely got the acceptance side down pat and I've had the most amazing experiences travelling around in the last year. It's kinda like the feeling you go through as you feel you go into adulthood - you know? When you get your first bill, or you rent your own place for the first time, the "ok, you've had a hell of a lot of fun, now you need to work out what you're doing with your life" kinda thing. Except this is my life Mk2, the second time I've had this feeling, I'm 31 in 3 weeks and I need to crack on. I suppose the drastic nature of the split and the fact that after the house sale and quitting work last year I had rather a lot of money to burn and the urge to go out and behave like a 21 year old (except single this time) again was irresistible. I had an excuse to immerse myself in immaturity and I dove in without abandon. I drank a lot, I tried to womanise (really, really unsuccessfully - being upfront about your situation may feel morally good, but puts a lot of prospective paramours off), I bought my flight tickets and went to Honduras where I've always wanted to return, then accidentally ended up in Australia (long story) where after a bit of city living and working I decided to go work in the outback in order to get a year's extension to my work visa. My hair is now down to my neck (could do with some advice on this) and I'm in the best shape of my life - I'm feeling pretty damned good right now.
Perhaps it's time to grow up again, get a real job in a city and make a new life. After one last hurrah of course - I've promised myself Bali after this farm work. Some R&R is in order.
I think life's good actually. On balance, everything works out in the end.