So, this bullshit popped up on my Facebook feed today.

Because I was bored and out of Scotch In the name of science and research, I decided to click the link. I'm now doomed to forever receive shit like this for the rest of my life, because Facebook now thinks I'm a sad old woman who keeps getting 'shut out' by men and is desperate for love.

Here's what happened when I clicked the link.

It's a flash video called '3 Steps To Make A Man Love You.' OH THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

This is how it starts. Apparently this image is you, happy yet totally bored with this prize catch of a man who is going to finally pop the big question so you don't have to kill yourself by OD'ing on PopTarts and Vodka. He's asking you the big question, because you listened to all the truthiness that the dude who made this video is about to lay down on you.

Now, you may be thinking this looks like some horrible Google presentation whipped up by a stoned teenager playing a joke on his mom. But oh no! The maker (and narrator) of this video is like a totally legitimate expert dude you guise.

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This video is by Michael Fiore. He wrote a book called 'Crack the Man Code.' It's like the DaVinci Code, but instead of Tom Hanks in a tweed jacket solving ancient riddles tied to historical objects, it's a douchebag mansplaining like he did that time he was on Fox News. Also, WebMD—let's discuss who's working for you sometime, shall we?

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Anyway, you don't need to know any of that, lonely shrews! All you need to know is this is a dude who never EVER EVER wanted to ever settle down and now in a few months, OMG some lucky gal is going to land this super amazing catch FOREVER.

See, way back when, Michael wrote himself a contract promising himself that he would never settle down or commit or write books that don't suck, apparently:

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Anyway Michael rambles on about he finally met this one girl and how because she was 'special' and did this secret thing, he decided to do things to totally different. He 'slowed down.' He chased her non stop. I don't know how she was 'different' because Michael never bothers to describe her as a real, actual person, only as something he decided was good enough for him to stalk relentlessly.

This video drags on forever. I know more about Michael's no-commitment contract than I do about close family members. This is without a doubt the worst fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. Ever. Battlefield Earth was better than this.

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I have no idea what this picture is supposed to mean. Maybe the lady turned Michael into a cyborg man, with an on/off switch that she controls from her magical lair. Who the fuck knows. At this point, I was just fantasizing about ways to kill myself with my laptop so I could end this torment. (Pry the keys off and shove them down my throat until I slowly choke to death was the winner.)

By now, I'm sure you're dying to know HOW? HOW BURT? WHAT ARE THE THREE STEPS? PLEAZ TELL ME NOW SO I CAN GET A MAN TO LOVE ME FINALLY.

Finally, Michael asked me if I wanted to know what the amazing secret behind what she did to get him to tear up his no commitment contract. I said OK, sure tell me the amazing secret, Michael. But honestly, I didn't really mean it.

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But he never told me, and eventually the video died. YAY FREEDOM!!!!

There are four comments from other women on that post. They are all like 'So helpful, thank you so much!'

HOW. HOW IS THIS FUCKING THING HELPFUL? How is a shitty cartoon drawing of a douchey guy rambling on about how he's happy he gave up a lot of poon because he has a lady he doesn't mind giving it up for 'helpful'????

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I'm going back to my Vodka after all this. Because Vodka certainly doesn't have any inhibitions about settling down.