After studying the trailer for this fine masterwork of television filmmaking, I am very certain that this could possibly be, in fact, the perfect reality show in the history of time. All it is missing is a contest involving timed cooking of some sort.

At around 1:20, when they all start explaining how the Bible says there's nothing wrong with them living opulent lifestyles in lavish homes, driving expensive cars, do try and resist the urge to throw your monitor across the room. You could hit some innocent, pour soul and you'd probably feel bad.

Anyway, I will definitely be watching every episode. The way I figure it, this could cover my ass on the whole 'getting into Heaven' thing. That's good Jesus karma right there. I mean, let's say there is some Left Behind shit that goes down in my neighborhood, right? You know having watched a whole bunch of epsiodes of this is going to be automatic notches in my column. Plus, I retweet the Pope all the time. That's gotta knock off all that shit I did that time I went to spring break in Daytona and got that tattoo my mother told me never to speak of again as long as she was alive.

Between all that and the 7,000 Hallmark movies I've seen, there's no way I'm ending up in a river of fire. At worst, I'd go to one of the Hells where it's just people who are bored and have to think about how the squandered their mortal lives for 5,000 years or until Jesus comes back or something. I can totally do that. I didn't have cable once for a whole year. Nothing but CBS crime shows and reruns of 'Suddenly Susan.' Talk about purgatory, man.

Anyway, the show debuts Oct. 9 on Oxygen, or as I like to call it, That Channel That Isn't Lifetime And Also Isn't The One Oprah owns.

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(Drink, Curse, Screw)