What the actual fuck? Since my freaking day yesterday about what went down on Monday, about a potentially dangerous situation, and the aftermath-I'm about to loose my shit with a guy who I thought was supporting me!
So, I told this guy what happened. How I was getting the morning after pill because I couldn't remember if I had sex. That I was completely out of it. How I felt so much shame. We have a bit of a history-I made out with him a few times in the past, and I had zero attraction to him. I considered him a friend, but he is always horny. I wasn't cool with that, so I basically acted like a total shit to him. More on that later.
So, last night I got a text from him. It went from "Are you feeling better?" to "If you were up here watching The Avengers with me, I would be distracted by your kisses ;) .Why don't you drive up?". He lives like, in an area that isn't close, and he wanted me to come up for a freaking booty call. What a lovely friend. I was so mentally exhausted, that I had to decline. I really thought that he was being there for me-after all the shit that went down-only to see that he just wanted me to come to him and turn him on. I was traumatized by the ordeal of my bad decisions on Monday, scared, and in pain. I'm so mad.
Then he starts bringing up how I was really mean to him last year, around the time we made out. I owned that behavior. I told him I was a straight up bitch, he didn't deserve what I did to him, and how I was so very sorry. How I'm disgusted with myself, because he didn't deserve the freeze out. But I had my reasons, and tried to explain one of them (reason two will also be addressed):
- Reason one: I was still working through some stuff about my mom in therapy. I've mentioned before that she takes all of her anger out on me. Always has. She insults me, and thinks it's ok to ask for my medications, make fun of my need to be in therapy, and even "joked" about how she wished I had died in a school shooting (right after Sandy Hook, right before Christmas). And, of course, she tells me that my brother was the better child. I was admitting to myself that this was abuse-and hadn't told anyone but my therapist. I was taking out my anger on almost everyone, but he did get the most of my bad behavior. I wasn't able to cope. Which brings me to reason number two...
- Reason two: When I was making out with him, I was there but I wasn't. I dissociated. I was doing that often, but that was the worst episode I ever had. I was trying to protect myself from feeling uncomfortable. I was trying to please him. Because that's what I do. He, of course, brings it up-after I fucking confided in him that I was so scared of intimacy and getting close to people. I ended up passing out, exhausted and full of more shame than I had before. I can't really explain to him that I wasn't right, I can't really put into words what happened without hurting him. I don't want to hurt people anymore.
I'm already on edge. I confided in him. I rarely admit my mothers abuse, because no one in my circle of friends wants to listen to me, and that if I tell people they'll just brush it off. Yet I told him. Since last night, when he texted about all this crap, I felt like I was worth less than I was already feeling (I know I shouldn't fully feel this way, but when I'm apologetic I feel like I'm the worst person in the world).
I'm going to try to be honest and resolve this today. He needs to know about my mental state and how I have a huge fear of being close to guys-and how I just want to be friends. I don't want texts for booty calls. I don't want to be disrespected.
I want to yell at him, saying:
"How fucking dare you! First, you know that I'm on edge, that I had a huge scare, that I am a wreck. You know I regret taking drugs and making bad decisions. I thought I could trust you enough to have my back. And you tell me to make a drive to come and give you something you think you're entitled to? I'm apologizing for the past. I'm trying to make things ok. I just can't take this right now. Why do you think it's the right time for this?"
I don't know. I'm so tired. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be productive. I need to get an STD test. I'm afloat in uncharted waters, feeling like I just went down with the USS Indianapolis. And I get this?!?
I'm going to be straight up truthful, even though it hurts me more than it might hurt him. I have to explain the reasons behind my actions. I was the bad guy, but I also have to tell him his timing was poor.
I'm not in a great place right now. I'm trying so hard to remind myself that what happened Monday was something to learn from. Now I'm in the place where it just all came back-flashbacks about what happened on Monday, and when I made out with the guy who texted me. The shame I carry for being a bitch to him, and even my mothers abuse.
I already have a hard time with trust. Now I just think I'm an object, even though logically I'm a strong, tough, and brave woman. That I'm freaking Wonder Woman. I'm fucking Vivaciousvicious. It's hard though, when you feel like you have become another notch in someones belt-especailly two different people.
Edit: I might not be able to respond to everyone like I usually do, because I'm still in a funk. But thanks so much! I'll try my best, but everything, the advice, the support...I'm so touched, as always.
Edit Again: You guys are the best. I can't meet with him in person, and I don't owe him jack shit. He is one of those "Nice Guys"...except a truly nice guy wouldn't take advantage of someone who is not in a great place.