I don't get as excited as I used to about social events with a bunch of people I don't know. I don't seem to be quite the social butterfly I used to be. I've skipped several get-togethers and it's a little worrisome because it just isn't like me and it seems like I really could go down a road that ends with me folding in on myself.
Because of a six-month-long shitstorm loaded with multiple issues, depression crept in again. It happens once in a while, opening the door, sticking its head in and running off. This time it took its shoes up and got all comfy on the couch. Setting its feet on fire seems to be helping, but my confidence has taken a beating.
I skipped a work get-together in November because FiL had been seriously injured in a car accident two weeks previously and I was too wrung out to go. I'm also intimidated because my co-workers are basically all doctors and seem to be better at Adulting than I am. I didn't call to let anyone know I wasn't going after I had committed, so I felt a little lame about that. I was able to hide behind the FiL thing.
There was another one today and I forced myself to go. Little GV and Mr GV came with and it was a potluck, so I got to show off (sweet potatoes au gratin). Little GV was being a bit of a shit early on and I didn't know most of the people who were there when we arrived, but as the numbers dwindled and more of the familiar faces showed up it was much better. I got to talk a lot with a few people that I don't know well but really like, as well as meet significant others and kids. I think I came off as the "witty, quirky, great cook and mom who loves her witty, quirky kid and good-natured, smarty-pants partner" that I am.
In reading through this post, I think my assessment of how others see me is completely fuckled. I haven't been this focused on how people see me for a very long time and I want to fix it. A little "fake it 'til you make it" and a heap of vigilance for shitty things I say to myself, with a deep breath here and there might help.