TW: weight loss, body image, etc

This is going to be very angry and full of bile. I need to get all this out of my system, and then I will work on moving on and getting past this. Also, I understand that my experiences are not representative of everyone’s and that probably the rest of GT is in a better headspace on these issues than I am.

I’m not looking for answers, just for the space for expression.

I’m fucking over all that feel-good bullshit expected of me. I’ve busted my ass losing about 25-30 lbs, and I’m done with the warm-and-fuzzies regarding it. To clarify, I’m still fat. I’m still in the plus-size department. I don’t have expectations of being not fat, just the (probably misguided) hope of being less fat. I don’t hate my body, it’s fucking awesome! It does what I need it to do, and I appreciate and respect that. But it’s a fat body.

Lie #1: It’s so good that you are working to be healthy!

Fuck that. I have busted my ass to lose weight because I wanted to be less fat. I’m hoping my health has improved, but I had no blood sugar issues, blood-pressure issues, sleep-apnea, etc, when I was bigger. Let’s quit fucking dancing around the fact that we all know I wanted to be smaller than I was.

Lie #2: Isn’t strength-training the best!

Yeah, it’s fucking swell. Now my fat arms jiggle, but have some muscle beneath the jiggle. In all honesty, they look worse because for all that everyone is always “oh no, you won’t bulk up from strength training, you slim down!” they are fucking liars. Because the fat doesn’t magically vanish (My thin mom decided to start using hand-weights, and her arms look great. All toned-up, because her arms didn’t jiggle to start with) Sure, it’s great that I have some tone, but it really looks like a goddamned new fat roll depending on the light. Go me! Fingers crossed that if I keep this up for several more months maybe I’ll metabolize some fat and my arms will look better. Of course, should this occur I’ll have some really obvious stretchmarks, so this is a toss-up as to whether I will be more or less annoyed by that potential development.

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Lie #3: It’s amazing the difference small changes can make!

People that say this to me can go shit in their hat. Don’t fucking assume my fat ass just needed to eat an apple instead of a chocolate cake every day to lose this weight. And don’t get uncomfortable when I respond that it’s because I exercise a lot and eat nothing fun that I want to. That’s the damn truth, at least respect me enough to believe me.

These are the big three that are pissing me off. I’m sure there are plenty more.

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