And now I must revenge myself upon it. Let's goddamn do this.
"I am looking for a decent girl that wants to be in a long term monogamus relationship with me.
I want the girl to be attractive."
Ok, not a bad start. You've only failed in your use of spell-check so far. Obviously you want to be attracted to the person you're dating. That's a reasonable request.
"I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl."
Lol no fatties allowed. You do realize that since "overweight" and "obese" are terms governed by the unfathomably idiotic system of measurement known as the BMI index, they're increasingly meaningless descriptors, right? Oh, you...oh.
"I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine."
You'd figure "no fatties" would pretty much cover all his bases here, but no, he has to JUST KEEP TALKING about how much he doesn't roll with the chubbos.
"Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me."
Yeah, but being a total dickhat is a total dealbreaker with most women, so you might be SoL here, Sparky.
"I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair."
Yes, because women with shorter hair look like dudes. Except for, y'know, everything else about them. Short hair = penisparts, ergo = ew gross.
"Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference."
Who the fuck...why are you sharing this information? Why is this a thing you feel the need to tell anyone? I prefer alfredo sauce to tomato sauce, but it's not a thing I generally choose to share with the world when pursuing a significant other.
"I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl."
Aaaaaaaaaaand blatant racism! Huzzah! I'd have a joke here, but my brain keeps doing this:
"However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black."
"Just wanted to remind you once again how much I can't stands me the darkies!" Also, why the fuck does he feel the need to mention French, Russian, and European (?) in addition to White? That's like saying "I like people from Belgium, Holland, and the Low Countries, and also people who live below sea level." Also why do "Hispanic," "Mexican," and "Spanish" get their own individual entries (ETA: Yes, I know these terms are not the same thing — though I kind of doubt HE does — it's just weird as shit to see them listed like this)?
I'm glad he covered ANY other race in his listed examples, though. He didn't miss out on over half the world's population or anything, clearly. It's not like he forgot about most of the world's largest continent.
"I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time."
"Or as long as she's cool with walking into things all the time."
"I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man."
Dear Lord: when you create douchebags like these, it's really, really thoughtful of you to remove their desire to breed. Thank you for helping us disinfect our gene pool.
"I will not date a girl that does not have a job or career."
...ok, that's actually a viable thing to ask for. I'm sure that's because he wants someone who's self-motivated and driven and—
"I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything."
—OR NOT! So...you want a traditional feminine girly-girl, only you want her to buy your shit. Methinx those two desires might possibly be at odds with one another in some way.
"I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her."
Ok, I'd have a response here, but I'm laughing WAY too hard at how he actually typed out "necessacerily." That shit is bananas.
"To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!"
"I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again."
Ok, for rilly real here, that last sentence is the single most terrifying part of this entire thing. I legit just shivered in horror.
"I do not like gamblers. I will not be in any relationship with a woman that gambles or wastes money on such things."
Again, here's one I can kind of understand. If it weren't for the fact that the rest of this is nuttier than squirrel turds, I could actually accept this. But I'm sure he's got some batshit douchebag explanation that makes it worse, like "gambling addictions are God's way of telling us that someone is a filthy degenerate homosaxophone."
"I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.
I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend."
BWEEP! BWEEP! MRA ALERT! MRA ALERT! How much do you want to bet every picture of this guy features a Trilby?
"I will not date any girl that can not always be honest & faithful to me. This is very important.
I prefer a girl that does not smoke, but as long as she does not smoke in my house or around me, if she can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I lived with my ex girlfriend for Eleven years, and she was a smoker."
Stop interspersing these with the occasional actually-reasonable request, dude. It makes the jokes more difficult. Although there is no POSSIBLE way another human being would put up with you for 11 years unless you had one of their parents permanently suspended over a shark tank or something.
"I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER."
This would be funnier if it wasn't terrifyingly controlling and jealous. Then again, dollars to pay says this guy is EXACTLY the sort of fucked-up psychopath who considers jealousy a "normal, healthy emotion."
"I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all."
So, given the last quote, in addition to "problematic," we now have a successful definition of the word "ironic." Well-done, dude. Well-done.
"I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.
I know sometimes on my website here, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of girl may get along with me."
It doesn't really seem like you're a "negative" or "positive" person, it just seems like you're a total raging douchecanoe.
"I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can live in peace together if at some point the girl & I live together. I like to live in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me."
"It's very important that women shut the fuck up and not argue with me, because my sad little droopy manfeelings cannot handle being taken to task for what a cockbucket I am."
"I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!"
Well this is just confusing. It's simultaneously slut-shaming and skimpily-dressed-desiring. Man, dude must have a SERIOUSLY confused boner.
Skipping ahead because seriously, this motherfucker approached this thing like it was a doctoral thesis. Brevity is the soul of Oh Just Fuck You, You're Not Worth Coming Up With a Joke Here.
"Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.
And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha :-D"
I think he THINKS this makes him sound sensitive and endearing, but coupled with everything else here, it just dials the Creepy up to 11.
"It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants."
I can't even. Someone else even, because I cannot possibly even. The order of evens I was supposed to receive has been delayed at customs, and I am unable to even until they arrive.
"I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance."
"Now I’m not saying having had a kid or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a woman that’s never had kids if possible. My ex-girlfriend that I was with for Eleven years never had kids, she couldn’t because of a hysterectomy at a young age."
Y'know, for someone who wants relationships to be "over when they're over," you REALLY do love talking about your ex (who you were with for eleven years, which you are apparently contractually obligated to mention each time you bring her up). You may have some unresolved issues there.
"I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship, and I like to give it as well."
"I also have a very high sex drive."
Well, way to end on the "I just threw up a little in my mouth" note. Good job to go out on a high note.