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Sometimes you lose something you can't get back.

Last time I joined GT, I was at a job where I had to write about 500 words per hour, give or take. I was really productive for the first weeks or months, but then things began to go wrong. Some of you will remember this. I went from writing a blog post every half hour to writing one every hour, then two hours, then maybe two in a day if I was lucky. I was exhausted all the time, barely able to stay awake after lunch. I couldn't focus for shit.

I vented a lot of frustration here in these forums, and people were very helpful in validating that I might have depression. I even got re-evaluated for ADHD, and tried a medication switch on that end first, but nothing helped. Today I am medicated for depression as well, and it's improved my life in a lot of ways—except that there are some things you never get back.

I still struggle to focus at work, and it sends me into a spiral of self-doubt and loathing. I know I *should* be able to get stuff done, but even a boost in ADHD meds last week didn't help a huge amount. There are so many factors in whether I'll have a good day or not, focus-wise. A lot of it, I think, has to do with the fact that I don't have a lot of structure in this job, so there isn't an imminent deadline on anything in particular and my free time is filled with Javascript training that doesn't really have much of a long-term goal. I'm hoping to get a private office when we move to a new space later this week, because being in a close-quarters open-concept office space is havoc on my ability to focus. I've tried everything from taking shorter lunch breaks to taking no lunch break at all, and it's always the same: at around 2:00pm, I just...stop being able to function. I struggle for the rest of the workday. I try caffeine, I try water, I try tea. Nothing wakes me up.


I've been working with my therapist on this, because if I want to go to grad school I can't just be there for half the day. But the 9 to 5 workday (or in my case 8:30-4:30, 8-4 when I can) just doesn't work. It's something I may need to accept is never going to come back.

So that's that. Depression sucks balls and it changes your life and your brain.

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