Calm yo’ tits, Texas crazies. There is nothing to see here (Full disclosure: I am a Texan. But not a racist, bigoted, conspiracy theory seeing Texan)

In a move that was as touchingly optimistic as it was futile, the Pentagon attempted to reassure nervous Texans that an upcoming training exercise is definitely not a secret plan to declare martial law, impose UN control over the Alamo, or steal Texans’ magic bags of juju. The planned exercise for special operations troops, called Jade Helm 15, got online conspiracy theorists so overheated about the imminent end of Freedom and Liberty that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott last week ordered the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on the federals just to make sure they won’t get up to any funny stuff. And now that the Department of Defense has dismissed the conspiracy claims as “wild speculation,” you can pretty much bet that the more excitable elements of the interwebs will calm down and go back to worrying about real threats, like chemtrails and ISIS infiltration of Texas delis.

For whatever good it might do, Pentagon spokesman Army Col. Steve Warren said Monday that there’s nothing to worry about, which is exactly what the Pentagon says every single time, right before the nation is devastated by deadly alien spores or an escaped team of genetically engineered supervillians:

Operation Jade Helm poses no threat to any American’s civil liberties… Operation Jade Helm is being conducted by Americans — by, specifically, American special forces personnel.

Oh, sure, like reminding us there are traitors and enemy agents among us who look just like regular people will help! Col. Warren didn’t have anything to say about Operations Jade Helm 1 through 14, despite reviewers’ complaints that the graphics and gameplay of the later versions are only marginally better than the classic Operation Jade Helm 10 for the Playstation 3.

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Warren also noted that the military has done training exercises a whole bunch of times before without imposing martial and/or sharia law, and that the Defense Department will be coordinating Jade Helm with local officials and property owners:

“In every case, extensive coordination has been completed with whoever’s responsible for that land,” Warren said. “In the case of private land, we’ve spoken and made detailed coordination with the patriotic Americans who have volunteered their land for the use of this important training.”

Needless to say, the ConspiraSphere will translate that statement into an acknowledgment that the Pentagon has already subverted local sovereignty and found plenty of collaborators; obviously, Citizens’ Tribunals will have to be held to determine whether the cooperative landowners are actively engaged in the plot to turn Texas over to ISIS and ship patriots to FEMA camps, or merely useful idiots duped by HAAARP mind-control waves.

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No doubt the patriots will also be turning their ire to so-called Texans who are so blinded to the Federal/UN threat that they’ve actually criticized Abbott for lending credence to the research of Alex Jones. Consider former state Rep. Todd Smith, who posted an online “open letter” taking Abbott to task, just for trying to keeping Texas safe from blue-helmeted UN usurpers:

“As one of the remaining Republicans who actually believes in making decisions based on facts and evidence — you used to be a judge? — I am appalled that you would give credence to the nonsense mouthed by those who instead make decisions based on Internet or radio- or shock-jock-driven hysteria,” Smith wrote. “Is there ANYBODY who is going to stand up to this radical nonsense that is a cancer on our State and Party?”

And as you’d expect, Texas Democrats are also criticizing Abbott, because they hate Texas and America. Manny Garcia, Texas Democratic Party executive director, said that instead of sending the Texas State Guard to monitor routine training exercises, Abbott should have responded to the conspiracy rumors by reassuring “the public that our U.S. military poses absolutely no threat to Texans,” as if that would be reassuring at all.

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Abbot has defended his decision to keep an eye on the feds, explaining to reporters, “We are playing a pivotal role of government and that is to provide information to people who have questions.” Also, there hasn’t yet been any evidence that a little well-timed paranoia about the federal government has ever hurt a Texas politician, because getting re-elected is an important government function, too.