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Welcome To The Bitchery

Right. The squat toilet, as we know, is beloved by those who are hip to pooping properly. Makes it easier because of straight shooting, best to maintain your ability to squat fully throughout life, it’s more natural, bla bla bla bla.


I hate squatting anywhere but outside. Like, deeply hate it. I’m in China right now and all of the toilets in the research institute I’m working in are squat toilets, and, just, yuck. Outside squat-peeing is a-okay - you pee, it goes in the dirt, dirt absorbs the pee, you’re probably hiking or doing something else dirty anyway, you’re in dirtbag mode, it’s fine. Indoor squat-peeing means you’re BLASTING A STREAM OF PISS ONTO PORCELAIN. That means it... like... mists. You get pee mist on your feet! Bleuch! And pooping? No thank you! Much as I loooooooooooooove the food here (it’s fucking delicious), my guts do not love it, and that means there is potential for poop blasting and poop mist on my feet if I’m squat-pooping. NO THANK YOU.


Evidence for the fact that this is not just a me problem is the fact that every Chinese public toilet I’ve been in smells like the sort of overused men’s toilet you get in city bars, where there’s just piss splatter everywhere. Sitting down to piss is virtuous, for men AND women. It’s just less splattery and that’s better for everyone. And pooping? I’m 100% down with this align-your-butthole philosophy, but if you have the squits, trust that you want to hermetically seal your butt cheeks over the seat so that disaster is not shared widely. Way better to just have shorter sitting toilets so you get alignment AND seal. And yet, neither east nor west seems to do this. In short, the best place to poop is a primary school.

That’s all.*

*I’m in China doing my Work For Free, woohoo. Herr honk did indeed pass on his Man Flu. I managed to get fever chills in Schiphol Airport, which sucked hard, then spent the first two days here curled up in my hotel bed not doing anything. What a great use of time! Oh, and the lab I’m working in is in the middle of moving, so the new lab is not ready and the old lab looks like a bomb went off and is in a state of flux. Fucking awesome!**

**Okay it can only get better, and I’m actually not all THAT grumpy about it, just... still totally wiped out and recovering. Food’s tasty as hell though!

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