So, I gave my usual Sunday morning check in call to my family. What you need to know is that they have been begging me to come home when I graduated-wore me down, that's the plan. Even though I love where I am. Well, turns out mixed messages are at play.
So, for at least four months, while I was still in school, my parents were telling me to come home when I graduate. I don't really have any options here, and so I was planning on going up for a few months then going back to where I am now. I may hate it at my ancestral home, but honestly I want to decompress. So, I just threw up my hands.
Well, now my family-they have a history of giving me mixed messages, and I get confused easily or anxious about disappointing people as a result as an adult-are saying the same thing I am used to hearing: "Well, just get a job. Stay there, we don't care. We just miss you."
They could visit. They don't. I'm burnt out, and will get a job soon. That was the plan. I can't stay in my current place because they pressured me to sign the paperwork that gives notice. When my dad was all "Well, here's the plan now and your mother and I were discussing it last night, and you should get a job and new place there blah blah blah". I have two months until I have to leave my place, and haven't been looking for others.
I just broke, and told him they had to Skype later if they wanted to talk about this. I know it'll be a disaster because my mom yells and belittles me, my dad walks out of the room, and I just cry because I can't handle it. I had to deal with it for 18 years. Now I'm 23 and still on edge with them.
The worst thing though, besides these mixed messages and pressuring me to do what they want then flip-flopping, is that they say they miss me.
They have only visited me twice in five years. I had to pull teeth to get them to come to my commencement. "Oh, it's not like you're really graduating". The other time was to help me move. The may not even come to the presentation I was nominated for.
Sorry if I come off as entitled, or as a whiney child, but I'm so done. I emailed a career counselor I know this morning, called my therapist, and just cried as I changed the sheets. I just put on my mascara because I'm going to brunch, but the tears keep coming.
I try to stay positive, but today I think I broke. Sorry if I don't respond to comments ASAP because my friend is getting me. And I need to redo my makeup. Thanks for reading even if it's really incoherent.