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Starting the new year alone.

I won't lie, I am scared shitless, but also feel a huge huge sense of relief and like a 1000 ton load of crap has been lifted from my back.

I haven't been alone for, like, 9 years almost. And I haven't been devoid of the attentions of my most current boyfriend for over 10. I don't really know how I am going to handle it.

I feel a huge sense of mourning, and grief, and guilt. And just....sadness. And a great deal of fatigue. Seriously, you guys, I am so fucking tired.


Final straw? We were at dinner and the bartender made a comment about how I look young for my age (after carding me) and I told him that I think we went to high school together (I am in my hometown at the moment). When he brought me another drink I picked up my empty glass to hand to him. Like 2 minutes later my boyfriend was like "did you two touch hands?"

"Um...I don't know, maybe?"

"You touched his hand."

"I was giving him my glass, I may have. I really don't remember."

After pouting for a moment I told him that no, I didn't touch the guy's hand.

"Oh, so you DO know."

He then rambled on about how I'm a liar and a manipulator. The bartender dropped off the check and made eye contact for just a split second and I could tell he was giving me a concerned look and I felt so fucking pathetic. I could barely hold in the tears so I just grabbed my bag and ran out. The moment the air hit my face I started just.....gasping and was overcome by this guttural sobbing that I'd never experienced before. By the time he came out, livid, I was done. I literally had nothing to say to him.

He told me if I wasn't going to stop giving him the silent treatment he should just leave. He was supposed to leave tomorrow. I told him I wasn't going to talk, so I dropped him at the airport late this morning. Then I took my son out for lunch and dropped him with my ex's parents for their family's long holiday weekend away. And I never felt so lonely in my entire fucking life.

He was great, kind of amazing really, with my son. He's just total crap with me. And, frankly, if he's crap with me he would have eventually been shit with my kid as well.


So now comes the part where I have to try and remove this person who has been intertwined in my brain for years, with whom a mythology has been built, for whom I broke up my family because I loved him and thought we could possibly be together. I have to be strong in the face of that. I wish they made some kind of pill for it :-(

ETA. If I could I would respond to each of you letting you know how thankful I am for your support and really kind words. I am not able to do that right now, but I will promise to unload more happy and less poop on the GT walls in 2014. The comments I've read so far are making me do my crying-not-crying stubborn lip quivery non-weep best approximated by Anne Hathaway.


I adore you guys and wish you all of the wonderful things in 2014. Be safe tonight if you're squeezing into your party pants. xo

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