Interested in the Donald Sterling saga, but not wanting to engage in any socio-cultural reflection regarding race in America? Hoping to use linguistic chicanery to reaffirm that the only true injustice is against the white man who was only trying to stop his biracial girlfriend from "associating" with black people - you know the people he gave "cars" and "houses" too, those ungrateful wretches!

I mean, shouldn't we refocus on the real victim here - the super-rich white dude?

Then, oh, my dearies, gather 'round - do we have some choices for you!

Choice #1: V. Stiviano

According to right-wing pundit, Stiviano is basically the NBA's equivalent of Salome, demanding the head of Don Sterling on a silver platter.

"It's terrible, he got set up by a very bad girlfriend," Trump said. "Let's face it. That whole thing is — she's called the girlfriend from hell."

Fox News host Brian Kilmeade agreed that the girlfriend was clearly baiting Sterling.

"It's so bad," Trump agreed. "She was baiting him, and she's a terrible human being."

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Girlfriend from hell, whore of Babylon, satanic life ruiner...tomato, other bitchy tomato. And according to the most prolific mind of our times, Rush Limbaugh.

"V. Stiviano's involved with Dodgers players. Folks, there's an intricate web being woven here. This babe, this sugar baby's all over LA sports. She with Sterling. She's with Magic....."

My goodness, she's with everyone but YOU! HA! YOU OTHER OLD RICH WHITE RACISTS . WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? WITCH! BURNNNNNN HERRRRRRR.

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Choice #2: Magic Johnson

A couple of different sources are reporting this beautiful love story: boy meets basketball team, falls in love, and causes basketball team's current beau to spew racist filth to hurry along the break-up. Classic move, Magic.

"What if," Limabaugh said, "the reason Sterling told [his mistress] that he didn't want her showing up in pictures with Magic is that he knew Magic was going to make a play for his team?! What if he knew that?!"

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What if, indeed! What if Johnson conspired with the Dutch in 1619 to introduce African slaves to the Americas, in order to plan the seeds of an elaborate, multi-nation racist plot that would culminate in Johnson publicly shaming Sterling in order to purchase the Clippers. I'm just saying: WHAT IF!?

Choice #3: Obama.

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Don't even act like you're surprised about this.

I'm not going to lie, these conspiracy theories seem...well, a bit lazy and kinda lame. I'm barely even seeing false flag references. Come on - at least put some work into it. Pfft.