I'm having a really tough time today. My mom and dad both contacted me wanting to see how I was doing. I haven't responded. I'm fucking mortified. I never want to have to face them again after everything that went down this weekend. I was depressed last night but managed to not snap at my husband so no major fights. But I did avoid the family all evening. I don't deserve them.
Therapy was awful. There was a crisis with the patient before me so my session started 20 minutes late so my session was cut short. We started talking about the photos and why I take them. Every question he asked I got more and more uncomfortable. Finally I just burst into tears and sobbed for 5 minutes. After I composed myself he switched gears and asked why the question "Do you want to stay with your husband?" gave me the reaction I had. I'm afraid, I don't know what to do and everything is just getting worse and worse the longer I go on. He asked if I trusted him. "No." Why? Everyone I trust hurts me. I get fucked over when I trust anyone. I started to tell him about the shit show that was my Easter and he didn't seem that interested in it. He wanted to focus on me. I dropped it without even mentioning the "I hope you get herpes" comment. We started to discuss where my self esteem issues stemmed from. His questions made me feel embarrassed and stupid that I was still upset about some comments made to me as a middle schooler. I just. I'm so bad, so, so bad at opening up and talking about myself. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT. I wish I could just do my therapy over email.
At the end of the session my therapist told me I can be mad at my husband. I have that right but he would encourage me to let it go because "that man worships you." I left feeling numb and completely deflated. Not to mention confused about what I want and what I should do. I'm pretty convinced therapy won't be able to help because of my trust issues. I just want to be happy and content with my life and myself.