I do this thing where I get upset and become uncooperative, so even if I know what will help, I refuse to do it because screw you and everything about you and especially your attempts to cheer me up. That's me right now only right now, "you" is life. TW: eating disorders The only thing that's changed since the update on the last post is that the cops showed up.

The cops showed up after 6 hours, apologetic for the delay but it's not their fault. It's not like they were literally sitting around eating donuts for 5.5 hours and then sauntered over. People all day have been telling me "Oh, Honda Civic? Yeah they get stolen and stripped for parts. You're never seeing your car again." The police said that most of the time that cars get stolen in SF, they get taken on a joy ride and turn up a couple of days later. I said "yeah but who steals a standard to take a joy ride in San Francisco?" "Oh, you'd be surprised."

Of course, I live 3 blocks from freeway onramp, so someone could have stolen my car and taken it on a joy ride to a different city, thus eliminating the "driving a standard in SF" problem. A friend of mine had her car stolen in SF and it was recovered in Oakland a week later with multiple bridge toll violations— and significant damage. And it's a holiday, right? Someone could have stolen the car to go to a party in another city.

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The cops told me that they were going immediately back to the station, where they would enter the information into the computer and let the system take over. Some cop cars and traffic enforcement vehicles in SF have an automated scanning system that reads license plates as the car drives by and gives the driver an alert if there's a problem, like the car has too many outstanding parking tickets and can be booted. This system also alerts on stolen vehicle reports. So if the car is in SF and one of the cars with the automated system drives by it, the driver can stop and report the car found. This is a great idea on paper.

This is not as great an idea on a day that most street cleaning zones and residential parking areas are unenforced and the parking enforcement people are on vacation. So if the car is in SF, it is less likely to be found because it's New Year's Day. Another great idea on paper is that when that does happen, they will call me and I will have 20 minutes to get to the car before it's towed to the impound lot (unless the car is immobile, in which case it just gets towed). Slight complication with that plan: I have no car to jump in to drive across town to get my car. It'd have to take a cab, which would take probably longer than 20 minutes to catch. Did I mention that I don't have money to pay the towing fees? Yeah. So until the car is found or declared dead, I'm on 24 hour on-call to drive my car away from a policeman. That means no drinking. I'd already started drinking the cheapass rum I'd bought during the wait, so I had to stop drinking.

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Happy fucking New Year.

During the wait I ate about 5 bites of leftover pork fried rice but I couldn't motivate myself to eat more, so I ordered sushi for dinner. I commented in IRC that this is how I know that while I'm broke, I'm not poor; there's a big long list of expensive things to take care of but delivery sushi is still on the table because in the end, someone will replace the money that I spent on it. The sushi arrived while the cops were at my door. I did manage to eat the sushi. It arrived 10 hours ago. I was hungry 4 hours later. Let's ask Harry to repeat what I said to my hungry stomach:

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That's pretty much what I said when I got tired around 10pm. It is now 5am. I'm tired and sleepy and sitting on the couch wasting time on the internet so that I can avoid fixing either that I'm tired or that I'm sleepy. Because yeah, that'll help. I've gone full-on uncooperative mode.

Honestly, I've been looking forward to New Year's Eve for months. The past few years, I've gotten drunk in my apartment while playing WoW with other people with no lives but this year, I had a Cute Boy Person to celebrate with! It was just going to be the two of us, quietly getting drunk at home and making out at midnight, but it was important to me. I drove 2.5 hours to get here to pay my rent. I shaved my legs and painted my nails. I picked out makeup to bring with me. I got the check to cover my rent and was going to get all of that fixed, then drive back up there to have New Year's Eve.

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Instead, I wasn't able to get to the bank, I can't pay my rent until after the 1st, this causes me to incur additional late fees, I got a 3 day notice to pay or quit that starts on a bank holiday, I have no car to drive around to get these things done the day after the bank holiday, and not only was my NYE cancelled, my backup New Year's Eve was cancelled because I have to stay sober to try to rescue my car from towing.

So I'm hungry and sleepy and uncooperative with life, so I won't eat and I won't go to bed. My stomach is in knots and eating is a lot of effort anyway. And I have to be awake to get my car! Which likely won't be found for days. I can't even take a dose of my anxiety medicine high enough to get me to eat or go to bed, because that would impair my driving. Of course, if I don't eat, my blood sugar will go wacky, and if I don't sleep, so will my brain. Hello downward spiral! Frankly, at this point, I'm happy that having to pee will get me off the couch.

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I have to do an intervention. I have to get someone to buy me food tomorrow so I'll go out and eat. I may see if Cute Boy Person will borrow his parents' car for a couple of days and come down. He wouldn't otherwise be back until Sunday, dragging half of my Christmas luggage on a train with him.

This is a bad sign and basically, the only thing that I can do is recognize that I've gone into full uncooperative mode and refuse to cooperate with that.

ETA: I have managed to move my computer to the bed in an attempt to force myself to at least lay down. So far I haven't managed to lay down, but I hope for the best.