I want to lose a few (ehm, a lot of) pounds, but my main concern is being healthy and wherever my body lands when I am healthy is fine. I am not healthy now - I gained about 70 lbs in two years, I think mostly due to depression/grief, and that shit has just STAYED PUT - my metabolism has clearly taken a turn. Now that I feel better inside, I have this remnant of the worst years of my life hanging on me. I look in the mirror and see all this pain and this pitiful, sad person, when I am not that person right now. All I want is to start my marriage next year healthy.

Before the depression, I did have to be vigilant about what I ate or I'd gain - I've always been like that. My habits were good. If I can get this off of me and get to a good place, I think I will have little trouble maintaining.

But gaining weight at that rate - and trying to lose it - are medical issues. This is more than sensible choices, and when the "sensible choices" are leaving me starving, exhausted, and cranky - that's unsustainable. As I work to take care of my emotional health, I think that my mind and feelings cannot handle a constant feeling of physical deprivation and shame and failure. Many of my friendships are hanging by a thread and I certainly need to take care of them, too.

A while back I was seeing a nutritionist/trainer to try to get healthy. Things didn't work out with him, mostly due to his inability to keep an appointment (so I decided I didn't want to give him money anymore). But he had me on this crazy high protein diet and I felt amazing. My only problem was that it was such a shock to my routine - I couldn't keep up, clearly he couldn't keep up with his clients, etc.

What I absolutely LOVED about it was having someone with some knowledge guide me, be accountable for my weight loss (as long as I am doing what I'm suppose to), and plan my meals. It took SO MUCH anxiety out of dieting - I didn't have to attach a moral judgment about myself to each bite of food, and dieting wasn't a game of deprivation and cravings. I felt good, I felt full, and most of all, I didn't have to figure it all out all the time and shame myself about it.

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So, next week, I have an appointment to see a registered dietitian at the hospital. I'm super duper nervous - I don't know why. I'm nervous she'll be like, "come on, you know what to do, why do you even need me? I'm for people with REAL problems."

But I have real problems. Aside from my protein binge with the nutritionist (which I'd like actually validated by a real dietitian anyway), I can't take off a pound. When I torture myself via diet, I just don't gain. That's where I'm at: default = gain, hell-on-earth = stay the same, nothing = lose.

Anyway, if you guys have any experiences to share, tips for questions I should ask or anything to make the most out of my first consultation next week, I'd really appreciate it!

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