Jessa Duggar, a living, breathing Hummel figurine who was spit out of the vaginal clown car of the matriarch of the Duggar clan 20 years ago is rumored to be thinking of starting her own family soon. Jessa has (WAIT FOR IT) entered into a courtship with some pastry strudel Arkansian named Ben Seewald, 18.

And yes, because I know you are all wondering in between sips of your Earl Grey tea just WHAT IN THE EXACT FUCK 'courtship' is, let the Duggar patriarch fill you in, via an interview with People magazine:

So what are the differences between courtship and dating? Jim Bob explains: "Courting is getting to know each other in a group setting, both families spending time together and the couple setting goals together to determine if they are meant to marry. With dating, a couple will often pair off alone and that sometimes leads to a more physical relationship."

JIM BOB LOL LOL LOL LOL

Jessa and Ben met in church, Jim Bob says, and then asked to correspond via text and on the phone. The Duggars agreed – and were kept in the conversation as the couple texted each other, mostly asking each other questions about theology and scripture.

CHRIST ON A CRACKER. CHRIST ON A LITERAL CRACKER.

I can't even make any joke about this because it is already the most hilarious fucking thing ever printed ever. Go home, Comedy, you're work is done here.

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By the way, this is all it takes to get into People magazine? To send some kid text message quotes about Jesus? What the fuck? I mean, I guess the bar was already pretty low to begin with But still.

Can you imagine the reporter who had write up the shitty press release about this and actually submit this to be published in a fucking magazine? How many times do you think they pondered killing themselves by bashing themselves over the head with their own keyboard? Three, four dozen times?

OK, so let's take our best guesses on what this bullshit is really covering up. My guess: They met via a Craigslist ad or in an underground sex dungeon, she got pregnant (she thinks by him), he's agreeing to play along with the whole 'WAITING TO TOUCH NAUGHTY BITS UNTIL JESUS SAYS SO' in exchange for a bit role on their reality show. He agrees to stick the 'marriage' out for two years, after which time, he gets his own spin-off show, "Ben's World," which features him struggling to become a professional rodeo writer/race car driver, all while saddled with the hardships of being a single father, tied to a family famous for being on a reality show.

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BOOM.

(Drink, Curse, Screw)