What troubles you in the night, GT?

I want to preface this by saying that I have a ton of little, I dunno, mini-phobias and neurotic fears (hate bridges, hate heights, hate planes, hate bugs, hate natural bodies of water, hate driving on the Interstate near trucks, hate hate hate hate hate). Those things make me very anxious to the point that it physically manifests itself but ultimately I can power through.

I think, other than death and other kind of “typical” things to fear, this is my big one:

That I lack self-awareness and that people think I’m a jerk. It’s not so much that I fear people not liking me - that would be ok. I’m not for everyone and I’m pretty good at disliking others. But I always wonder if, somehow, I’m a jerk and don’t know it. I don’t want to be a jerk.

There is an episode of 30 Rock about this - Liz Lemon goes back to her high school reunion, telling Jack how she was tormented all through school. She coped with it by using humor and sarcasm. Turns out, she finds out later, that the real story is that she was the jerk and made everyone around her miserable.

I know I need to get over it, but I always have this little voice in my head saying, “what if your reality isn’t actually right?” Ugh.

I harbor SUCH contempt for people who are jerks. I absolutely have no tolerance for selfishness and meanness, and it’s something I really, really get ground up about. I don’t want to be the thing I hate! I say that, and I think of jerk things I do frequently. I have a few friends, for example, who talk too much on the phone for my liking (and I see them all the time, why do we need to talk so much on the phone?!), so sometimes I just hang up while they’re rambling on. That’s a pretty jerk move, right?