From the ever-wonderful Bloggess:
I realize that I’ve accomplished a lot in life and deep-down I know that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I only have a few days a month where I actually felt like I was good at life. I know I’m a good person (as in “not evil or intentionally arsonistic”), but I’m not very good at being a person. I don’t know if that makes sense and it’s not me fishing for compliments. Please don’t tell me the things I’m good at because that’s not what this is about. It’s just that at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life. Even the great things are overshadowed by shame and anxiety, and yes, I realize a lot of this might have to do with the fact that I have mental illness, but I still feel like a failure more often than I feel like I’m doing well.
I feel like from the outside looking in I seem successful and happy, but I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.
I feel like this all the time. This was me basically all of last year, and parts of this summer, and probably a large portion of the next several semesters (or decades). I remember being in high school and crying myself to sleep because I didn't have it together like some of the other girls did—even though one of them told me "when I grow up, I want to be like you, Bonnet". I compare myself all the time to the "shiny, pretty people" around me. Her 4 days a month is probably a good guess for me; I try not to think about it most of the rest of the time because the other option is feeling like I've failed at something that comes effortlessly to everyone else. So even though the Bloggess is looking to be reassured that she's not alone, she has once again made me feel less alone as well.
On a related note, Maureen Johnson also read last-semester-Bonnet's mind this week:
Anyway, I thought I'd share since it's nice to be reminded that you don't suck as much as you think you do (or if you do, that you're not unique in your suckitude), and I'm sure some of you feel this way too sometimes.