I feel very off today. And it's for a completely dumb reason.

Jealousy. Completely unfounded and irrelevant jealousy. Feelings that have everything to do with my past and nothing to do with my present.

GreenHunk has this friend. She's really cool. I guess I'm friends with her too. She's in Muay Thai with him, well, us I guess because I go regularly. There are absolutely zero reasons that I should be jealous of her. She's awesome, but she's not threatening. She's seeing someone. She's always nice to me and has shared music with me and asked me to hang out. I genuinely like her as a person. And GreenHunk has a lot of female friends who I'm also friends with and not jealous of. She effortlessly fits into our friend group and our friend group is by its nature inclusive and not gender segregated. I don't actually know why she in particular makes me feel so weird. Well, I guess there are two reasons: 1., I feel like she has more in common with GreenHunk than I do - She's really good at Muay Thai and loves it, like he does, whereas I'm doing it as a way to overcome my fear and connect with my partner, but it will never be my passion. And she's getting her Ph.D. in science, which is more what GreenHunk is into. I love to talk about art and literature and sociology and politics, and GreenHunk doesn't care all that much (especially about literature, which is what my degree is in). And 2. He really likes her. Not romantically, I'm pretty sure - it doesn't seem like that at all. But just as a friend. I don't know why this matters - he is really good friends with our roommate and it doesn't faze me. But he always seems so excited to hang out with her, and even though I'm always invited, he just hasn't seemed equally as excited to hang out with me for what seems like a long time (because of our issues, probably).

A few weeks ago I admitted that I felt this weird jealousy and asked for reassurance, while also telling him I knew it wasn't his fault and it was most likely all in my head. He was super nice about it and very reassuring. But I still feel weird about it, and I feel weird that I feel weird because independent of him I actually like her a lot. Logically, I know this is insane. First of all, if GreenHunk really doesn't want to be with me he wouldn't be, and all signs say he does want to be with me so why would I be jealous of this person who is actually a nice person and probably wouldn't ever think to try to get together with my boyfriend anyway because she's a nice person? Second of all, do I really think so little of myself and of my relationship with GreenHunk? It's not like people are interchangeable. If he really loves me for me and not because I fill a role, and I believe that to be true, other people are kind of irrelevant. I know for a fact that I'm jealous because of my past and being cheated on, and because GreenHunk and I are coming out of a rough patch and he's still a little emotionally distant from me at times and that makes me scared he doesn't really feel like he's in love with me anymore (not true, he reassures me).

As a side note, but something that's also making me feel weird today, I met this friend's new boyfriend last night for the first time. And I HATE HIM. Like it's not often that I meet someone who I immediately hate. Sometimes people make me uncomfortable or trigger red flags, but this guy made me feel pure loathing. And I'm not entirely sure why. He has some terrible, racist and sexist and classist uneducated opinions (he was in the military, had a conservative upbringing, etc) but I know a lot of people with those, and although I obviously heartily disagree, it doesn't usually make me hate them. I usually just assume they have their own issues and need to reexamine their beliefs. This guy, though...he infuriated me. He kept saying we should "cleanse the world of stupid people." I had SUCH a hard time not stopping our conversation midway through to scream, "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I know for a fact that I'm smarter than you, and so is your girlfriend, so you'd be the first one I'd 'cleanse'! Keep your horrible classist opinions to yourself, you pig!"

(You guys are probably going to comment on why this friend of ours has such an awful boyfriend. I don't honestly know. I can only assume she'd say he's got good in him, he just has terrible opinions that come from being around conservative douchebags in the military. And she was well aware that his opinions were awful - I could tell by her face last night.)


Anyways, that's my stupid rant, thanks for reading.