Early yesterday I felt calm, like I was growing. Things made sense. All the things I wrote are still true, I still believe them. But the last two days since I’ve spent feeling awful, or crying. Or both.

Maybe it’s because I visited our old home to pick up some things and was hit by a wall of memories. Maybe because I got to hold my Pixel again, whom I miss like I can’t believe. Even though I have a really really great filler cat who spent the afternoon laying in bed and cuddling with me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been working on maybe getting an apartment with a coworker (we’re getting the paperwork in order now) and the whole proces reminds me so strongly of doing the same with my ex. Regardless I took today off. I didn’t eat most of the day, spent most of it in bed and cried a lot. I’m feeling slightly better now, mostly thanks to the support from friends and coworkers who took a few minutes out of their time to wish me well.

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In short, I have great people around me. My head seems to be screwed on better in the last weeks. I wish this meant that I wouldn’t be hurting but that is not the real life. Real life hurts.

You suck real life.