I've been on an up-and-down emotional rollercoaster today, aided and abetted by my exhaustion and lack of coffee. I'll try to keep this short - but I need to vent about my utter an complete lack of anything resembling a love life.
So...I have never had a boyfriend. The one time I kissed anyone, I was the drunkest I'd ever been in my life and I ended up feeling like "Copy Girl" from that episode of Friends - because he and his girlfriend had just broken up and, a couple weeks later, were back together again. I've never slept with anyone (partly by choice, partly not). Hell, I've never even been on a proper date.
And I just feel...unwanted. I'm the tall, awkward one in the group who stumbles over her words when she's uncomfortable - and she's almost always uncomfortable. I don't know how to flirt or make myself "appealing" to guys. I'm nerdy and shy, but apparently, I'm this dangerous combination of feeling completely insecure about myself on the inside while outwardly projecting a "supreme air of intimidating confidence" (a good friend's first impression of me) that I don't even know howwww.
I'm also really cautious about my emotions/feelings - stemming from betrayals that really, really affected me when I was younger. It's almost like I'm so terrified of initiating contact because so many times I've done that, I've been heartbroken (and if it's so terrible when it's a friend, I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have a romantic partner do it). It's almost like...I can't be the one who shows interest first because my fear of rejection and hurt is so great. And yet, I'm scared that I'm being too passive about it all.
I don't even know where this is going. Sometimes, I feel like I'm awesome and "who wouldn't want me?" Other times, like today, I feel utterly undesirable and like "who would want me?" and I haaaate feeling like this.
All of this, I'm pretty sure, is coming from a conversation I had with my roommate last night. We're going to the Ren Fest on Saturday - hopefully - and she invited her guy along. She asked me if we should invite another one of our friends, and I said yes because I like groups of four better than three. And then she says, "yeah, so you won't be the third wheel!" Something of how I felt must have shown on my face because she backtracked and quickly added "more like, so he won't feel like the third wheel! /awkward laugh" Gee, thanks.
We had things we needed to do tonight, but they're now doing something so I'm going to be at home, drinking more wine than is wise, eating something fattening and delicious and watching something stupid. (Any suggestions?)